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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317766">why do we love? (if it causes so much pain)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/playitagain/pseuds/playitagain'>playitagain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>why do we love? [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outer Banks (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Child Abuse, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Sobriety, substance use</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:01:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>39,090</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/playitagain/pseuds/playitagain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been three and a half years since the treasure hunt. It’s been three and a half years since Pope gave up hope of ever finding the gold, even after they heard John B was a live and still searching so it comes as a bit of a surprise when Kie calls Pope with the news. That’s how he finds himself traveling back home to see his friends. It’s how, three and a half years later, he finds himself staring at those blue eyes he loved so much. Will he be able to forgive JJ after everything?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background John B/Sarah, JJ/Pope (Outer Banks), Pope/Original Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>why do we love? [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884391</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This chapter has graphic depictions of child abuse. Please do not read if it is triggering or you are uncomfortable. The section is clearly labeled at the beginning and the end.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s 3 days later when they get the call and JJ feels like he can finally breathe. He hates to admit that he was starting to lose hope that his friends were alive. It had been three days of sitting by his phone, just waiting and waiting and waiting to hear John B’s annoying voice, smug and matter of fact as he says that he is alive, of course he is alive. There had been no word from the sheriff department, no sign of the phantom in the water and JJ was starting to think it was at the bottom of the ocean with John B and Sarah, long forgotten by everyone but his father. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then he hears his voice, smug but relieved and JJ finally breathes. JJ doesn’t say much, because words aren’t coming to him now. He had spent three days on the verge of tears and he’s afraid if he speaks, they’ll finally spill over, but instead of being tears of sadness, they’ll be tears of relief, happiness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re in the Bahamas,” John B says, “We’re going for the gold.” JJ has so many questions. He doesn’t understand how John B could be so lucky as to land himself on a boat to the gold, after being stranded in the middle of the ocean. What is the probability of that? He wonders if Pope would be able to tell him. He bets that he could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How?” He needs to know about the plan, wants to be involved. He tries to argue his way into joining them, but John B is insistent. They’re still wanted for murder. They’re presumed dead at this point and the three of them left on Outer Banks where under strict watch for helping a murderer escape. It would be suspicious if JJ tried to leave now. It would probably leave them in more trouble. JJ was still surprised that they hadn’t found themselves in jail yet. He swears it’s just because the sheriff's department feels bad, because they lost their friend. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John B doesn’t really have a plan though. They have a chunk of gold still, thankfully. It will let them get a small place to live and hopefully give them some time to formulate a plan. John B insists that he will keep them in the loop, will keep updating them, but he can’t promise how often. He can’t risk being found at this point. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to try to clear your name, man,” JJ promises. He doesn’t know how he’ll do it. He doesn’t even know if he can, but he is going to try. He wants his friend back, safe and sound and home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, man.” John B sounds doubtful, but he doesn’t crush the hope blooming in JJ’s chest. JJ thinks he can try to do this for John B since the other is still working on the gold. He is still trying to pull them out of the never ending hole of struggles they all go through. “I’m going to call the rest. We’ll be in touch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The line ends and JJ pulls the phone away from his ear. He can’t keep the tears in though. He cries and cries and cries as he finally lets everything out. The last few days have been a bundle of emotions, wound up and tucked away so JJ didn’t have to feel them. He couldn’t let himself think about the possibilities of everything. He couldn’t let himself worry that his best friend was at the bottom of the ocean. So he didn’t. He shoved those feelings down and avoided his friends. He spent a lot of time drinking and smoking the last few days at the Chateau. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know when he shows up, but he looks up to see Pope in front of him, small smile on his lips. And JJ lunges forward, because he missed his friend. Because he wanted comfort in the form that he could only find in Pope’s arms, warm and welcome and loving in a way that no one has made JJ feel since his mom left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe he’s alive,” Pope says, face in JJ’s neck, tears in his voice. JJ simply nods, a chuckle leaving his lips as he pulls away from the other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That lucky bastard.” Pope lets out a teary laugh at the words, pulling away to whip at the tears on his cheeks. JJ wants to reach out, use his own thumb to brush those tears. Instead, he reaches up to brush his own away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They let the silence sit for a moment, both trying to even their breathing as they process the news they just got.  “Where are you staying?” Pope asks after a moment and JJ answers by jerking his thumb behind him, pointing to the chateau. The place is an absolute mess. JJ’s been sleeping on the couch, the only place that was cleared from debris after the police tore the place apart for clues. It’s only clear because JJ shoved everything to the floor that first night. “It looks like shit in there. You can’t stay there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t go home.” JJ doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to go home again. He knows he’ll need to, because he’s already running out of clothes, but he doesn’t want to. He can’t imagine what his father will do to him when he finds out about the phantom. JJ can’t imagine he is going to take it well. “I’m not going home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not asking you to, man.” Pope’s hand is suddenly on his shoulder, comforting in a way that makes JJ warm. He hates it. “I asked my parents and they said you could stay with us for as long as you need.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ is surprised to say the least. Heyward isn’t his biggest fan, only puts up with him because he doesn’t like Pope doing deliveries on his own. He doesn’t want to impose though, couldn’t ask them to shift their lives because of him. “No, I’ll just clean this place up. Stay here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Pope is looking at him like that is the worst idea in the world and JJ knows it is. The police would come back eventually, would take the house and sell it. John B’s uncle could come back at any time. He would be pretty surprised to find JJ sleeping in the house rather than John B. “Dude, it’s not a problem. It’s just till John B gets the gold.” Which could be months or even years if he even got it. They had no idea, but Pope is looking at him like he could see right through JJ and he knows he won’t be able to fight the other. He’s never been able to say no to Pope. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighs. “Yeah, ok.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope smiles and JJ can’t help the way his heart pounds in his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>———————————-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ doesn’t know what he expects, but they get off with only a slap on the wrist. The sheriff's department asks them not to leave the island and JJ thinks that’s just stupid. Where would they go?  Without the gold, JJ would never be able to get off this island, never be able to go to a place that doesn’t know him, assume that he’s causing mischief and mayhem in his wake. He doesn’t even know why he thought he’d be able to chase John B to the Bahamas.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t even have money to pay back Pope’s family for their hospitality. It’s only been two days and he simply feels guilty for talking up space in their home, for eating their food, for using their electricity. Pope had told him time and time again that it wasn’t a problem, nothing to worry about, but JJ couldn't help it. He had been told his whole life how much of a burden he was and those thoughts, they didn’t just leave when someone was nice to him. It simply made them worse if he was being honest. He didn’t like worrying people, wasn’t worth it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope is gentle though. He doesn’t push JJ to sit at the dinner table with his family. He doesn’t push JJ to go and take a shower, use the hot water JJ knows they have to pay for. He doesn’t reprimand JJ when he catches him sitting at the window in his bedroom smoking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The problem is that those acts, so simple, just make JJ like Pope even more. And okay, he’s never really admitted that to himself, but the way his heart pounds when Pope walks into a room, or his cheeks heat up when Pope takes care of him, well, it’s hard not to. It doesn’t help that he’s been shoving these feels down for months and now they are living in close quarters. He feels like he can’t deny them anymore. Pope is too good, always has been, and it simply gets worse after everything with the treasure hunt and John B.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(JJ remembers the first time his heart raced around Pope. Pope had been sitting next to JJ on the couch, books open in his lap. He hadn’t looked at them in close to an hour, leaning over so he could see JJ’s open text book, a few notes scribbled on notebook paper before JJ got bored with it in class. Pope had been explaining each equation to him, step by step, with more patients than JJ could ever ask for. At some point, Pope had just looked at him, checking in, and JJ’s heart stuttered before it started pounding, because no one had ever looked at JJ like that. JJ promptly shoved the feelings down and said a joke to break the tension.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The fact they were sharing a room didn’t help. Pope was grounded so it meant he was spending a lot of time around the house, puttering around or studying, or working for his father. Those were the only two things he was allowed to do at the current moment and JJ didn’t see that easing any time soon. So Pope was always there, asking if he wanted something to eat, if he wanted to watch TV, if he wanted to read. (JJ knows he only asks if he wants to read because there is nothing else to do in this damn house). He is always there getting dressed, tugging his shirt off after a long day of work, walking into his room with only a towel, or getting into his pajamas before he opened a book they had to read for school. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ didn’t think he could like Pope more, but he sure as hell was wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We should go surfing,” Pope says. It’s been five days since they talked to John B, five days since JJ moved in with Pope, five days since JJ accepted that he liked his best friend as more than a best friend, but would never do anything about it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words startle JJ, who had been laying on the bed, juul hanging from his lips, as he tosses a hacky sack against the ceiling. He misses the next catch at the words, the hacky sack falling off the bed and landing with a thud on the floor. That doesn’t draw his attention though. What does is Pope looking at him, eyes tired and books open in front of him. “But you’re grounded?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope shrugs. He literally shrugs and JJ’s mouth falls open. Yes, Pope used to go along with their plans, even make a few of his own, but that was after JJ had bugged him about it for ages until he folded. Pope was suggesting they defy his parent’s orders. He was volunteering too. “I want to go surfing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ doesn’t have to be told twice. He’s been trying to be good the last few days, trying not to disturb the status quo of the Heyward house. It had been harder than he thought, itching to run away. Pope had always walked in just before he could convince himself to sneak out through the window. JJ found that he couldn't run away when Pope was trying so hard to make him feel at home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(But it would never be home. JJ would never let himself be that comfortable in this home, would never inconvenience the Heywards like that. This wasn’t his home. JJ has to remind himself of that every time.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The window creaks when JJ shoves it open, a sigh leaving his lips when the afternoon breeze hits his face. It’s a weird trek down the side of the building and JJ ends up falling when his foot slips from one of the small ledges holding the small house together. “Shit! Are you okay?” Pope asks, head sticking out of the window. JJ simply laughs though, smile pulling up his lips. Pope seems to realize he’s fine then, joining his laughter as he swings his own leg out of the window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ’s up when Pope stumbles back and JJ instantly reaches out, catching Pope by the waist and pulling him to his chest. JJ’s breath catches when Pope steadies, face nearly inches from JJ’s. JJ swears Pope glances down, dark eyes glancing at his lips, but JJ is quick to shake that thought from his head as Pope steps back, brushing some invisible dust off his shorts. “I have an extra board,” Pope says, breaking the tension. He’s pointing over his shoulder, toward the back of the house.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ follows him around the back, frowning at the condition of the board. It definitely hasn’t been used in ages, needs wax, but it will have to do for now. He couldn’t exactly go pick up a board from his house and John B’s house was off limits at the current moment. “Do you have wax?” Because that would definitely help. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope nods, reaching into an old wooden crate as he pulls out some wax. He tosses it to JJ before he tucks his board under his arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The walk to the beach is quiet. JJ doesn’t have much to say, just sucks in a few deep breaths from his juul as they head to their favorite spot. It’s definitely easier to get there with the Twinkie, but the car is unavailable, will probably be until they can get their hands on it again, but JJ doesn’t mind the walk. He hasn’t been out since he moved in with Pope and the fresh air was already helping relieve some of the tension from his shoulders. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The expanse of beach is pretty private, a walk through reeds something tourons don’t usually want to go through. The locals are more daring, have more time to find all the right spots, which is how JJ found this spot all those years ago and made his friends fight through the reeds to enjoy it as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ takes in a deep breath of air when he steps onto the warm sand. The salt is already sticking to his cheeks, fingers running through his hair to get it out of his face as the waves crash in front of him. He only allows himself a moment to enjoy this before he tugs his shirt over his head, kicks off his boots. He wants to hurry to the water, but he ends up plopping down so he can wax the board before he goes into the water.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He does even spare Pope a second glance when he’s finally finished, running off toward the water.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Pope is hard to miss in the water. The other is a talented surfer (thanks to JJ teaching him all those years ago) and JJ gets distracted by the water dripping down his torso. Pope has also never had a problem with falling. JJ gets frustrated when he doesn’t land a trick, but Pope simply pops back up from the water, laughing as he rubs the salt water from his eyes, and shit, it was so cute. It made JJ fall off his board more times than he’d like to admit, distracted by the other as he swims around after he falls off, smile on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> JJ doesn’t like this feeling though. He’s never really liked anyone, never imagined himself in a relationship before this thing with Pope. There had been a moment of hope, only a few weeks ago before Pope had gone off and kissed Kie, when JJ thought this thing would happen. It didn’t really matter though. He would only drag Pope down, be a burden to him like he was everyone else in his life. He was quick to snuff that little bit of hope out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope nearly knocks JJ off his board hours later, drawing him from his thoughts. JJ has to force a laugh from his lips, give Pope a little shove before they both paddle to shore. “How are you feeling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words cause JJ to pause, board tucked under his arm as they make their way back to their discarded clothes. JJ can’t help the way his heart swells in appreciation. There weren’t a lot of people in JJ’s life who checked in on him, made sure he was feeling okay. And shit. Why was Pope so good? “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be,” JJ brushes off. Just because he appreciates the questions doesn’t mean he’s going to tell the truth. He goes to reach for a towel when he realizes they didn’t bring any and simply pulls on his shirt instead, trying not to look at Pope as he does the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ would really appreciate it if Pope would just stop being so nice. It just made everything harder. “Dude, I’m fine. Stop worrying about me.” JJ tries to sound casual. He knows he doesn’t sound very casual, knows his throat has closed up a bit with tears, because John B may be alive, but he isn’t here, JJ was basically in lock down, and he felt like shit for intruding on the Heywards little family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope doesn’t seem convinced, but doesn’t push as he slips on his socks and shoes, frowning when his socks fill with sand and JJ hates it so much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s in that moment that JJ knows he has to get out of here. Pope was too good for him. JJ couldn’t drag him down with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-------------------------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ goes home. He’s completely out of clothes and there are only so many times one can wear the same shirt before Mama Heyward literally tried to rip it off your body. JJ has to practically run away from her, insisting that he’ll go home and grab some clothes the next day, insisting that he does not need to borrow any of Pope’s clothes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(He can’t let himself wear Pope’s clothes, feel the soft material against his skin, smell the other on the fabric. That was a hole that JJ didn’t want to go down, was worried he wouldn’t be able to come out of if he let himself give in.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He regrets it instantly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second the house comes into view, he can feel his heart rate pick up, his palms getting clammy as he swallows the lump in his throat. He feels like his house belongs in a horror movie, the gut wrenching anxiety and fear it causes reminding him of the feeling he gets watching horror movies. Plus, the place was so run down it could easily pass as one of those creepy houses in a horror film. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ only lets himself stand outside for a moment, fists clenching as he walks toward the door. He knows his father is home, the truck parked hazardously next to the house. It was clearly a long night, if his parking job is anything to go by, and JJ just hopes that he is passed out on the couch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>(Warning: graphic depiction of child abuse ahead)</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door squeaks when he pulls it open and JJ frowns as he steps into the small house. “Is that you, boy?” JJ’s heart clenches at the voice, slurred and angry in a way that unsettles him. He lets the door fall closed behind him, stepping into the small living area and grimaces at the empty bottles thrown all over the place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, dad,” JJ mumbles, eyes downcast as he flicks his wrist in a nervous wave. His breath catches when his father’s boots enter his vision, the smell of alcohol and sweat radiating off of him in waves. It makes JJ want to vomit. “Long time no see.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ barely even has time to raise his gaze when he feels fingers wrap around his throat, back slamming into the wall behind him. He struggles, feet kicking out, fingers wrapping around his father’s, trying to pry the large hands from his neck, but his father only tightens his grip, uses his body to stop JJ from moving. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where the hell is my phantom, boy?” JJ almost gags when his father’s breath hits his face, spittle hitting his cheek from this close. He flinches back, head coming into contact with the wall, a loud thud echoing in the small room. Luke simply curls his fingers tighter around JJ’s neck, tight enough that JJ can feel the air cutting off, feels himself losing his breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ is trying to catch his breath, answer the question, when his father pulls one hand from his throat, fist colliding with his rib cage, following quickly by a knee. It causes JJ to fold in on himself, at least as much as his father will let him, to suck in a breath that his throat won’t allow, only for him to cough, the lack of air getting to his lungs causing his chest to tighten. “Answer me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But JJ can’t seem to suck in enough air to form words, black dotting his vision as he tries to process what is happening. He can barely make out his father’s face as tries to struggle against his hold again, tries to get himself free to he can breath, but his father presses on, connects another knee to his stomach until JJ finds that he doesn’t have any fight in him anymore because he can’t get any more oxygen into his lungs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last thing he sees before he passes out is his father’s face, his words echoing in his ear, “You worthless piece of shit.” But then Pope’s face flashes, only for a moment and JJ falls to the ground, head banging against the small table meant for keys as he blacks out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>(Please note that the description of child abuse had ended up the aftermath of it will be described throughout the next few scenes.)</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-----------------------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ is nauseous when he wakes up, head spinning as he looks around the dark room. He can hear his father’s deep breaths coming from the couch and he lets out a sigh as he pushes himself into a sitting position. He winces as pain shoots through his side, eyes squeezing shut as he pulls his knees up to his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He allows himself a moment, lets the silent tears fall for a second before he grabs the edge of the small table next to him and uses it as leverage to pull himself up. The room spins as he does so, sucking in a deep breath through clenched teeth, trying to steady his breathing so he doesn’t wake his father up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He freezes when his father stirs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The other simply shifts and JJ takes this opportunity to limp to his bedroom, grabbing the nearest bag so he can stuff a few things inside. He doesn’t even pay attention as he pulls out tattered shirts and ripped pants, stuffing as much stuff as he can in his bag, trying to be as quiet as possible in the state that he’s in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t even know what he has packed when he slings the bag over his shoulder, pausing when a wave of pain causes nausea to settle in his stomach again. He takes in a few deep breaths, ribs aching as he squeezes his eyes shut. He had thought the last beating was bad, but he can still feel the fingers around his neck, still remember what it felt like to have his air supply cut off, to have his vision fade into darkness at the hands of his own father. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stumbles a little when he finally starts toward the door, only sparing his father one last glance before he pushes the door open, wincing when it squeaks again. It doesn’t seem to wake his father as he lets it fall quietly closed behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ pauses in the doorway, hand falling against the frame of the screen porch. The breath of fresh air feels good, filling his lungs in a way that lets him relax for a moment, ignoring the ache in his side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“JJ?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ tenses at the mention of his name, eyes squeezing shut as he tries to process. It takes him a moment to realize that his father is passed out inside the house, that there lacks the normal anger and disappointment his father’s voice always carries when he talks to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ allows himself to look up then, blue eyes meeting Pope’s worried brown ones. JJ swallows the lump in his throat at the sight of the other, because Pope looks wrecked with worry. JJ can see his hands shaking, see the way his jaw clenches as he seems to take a moment to take JJ in fully, eyes glancing over JJ’s face and sliding down his body to assess for damage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to kill him,” Pope says, but JJ is stepping forward, trying to distance himself from the house, and the first step seems to be further than he expects and he goes tumbling forward, only to find a pair of strong arms around him. It’s on instinct that he pushes Pope off, falls backwards with a loud thud only to find Pope looking at him sadly. “How could he do this to you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope is in front of him now and JJ can see the anger in his eyes, see the storm behind those normally kind eyes. The other reaches forward, tentative and JJ lets him place a hand on his cheek, brush his thumb over the bruising skin, knows that when he pulls away those same fingers will be covered with blood, still dripping from a wound he doesn’t even remember getting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you know I was here?” JJ asks, voice a whisper. He can feel his throat muscle spasm a bit, contract with each word and ache when his voice finally comes out. It sounds scratchy, like JJ had been sick, but it’s because his father just had his hands around his throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope must catch sight of the bruising in that moment because JJ can see the way his jaw clenches, can see him clench and unclench his fist. “What did he do to you?” JJ normally brushes it off, nothing his father hasn’t done, laughs, but his father had never done this to him before, never beat him to the point of passing out and the simple thought has tears streaming down his cheeks as he lets himself fall into Pope’s chest. The other is quick to wrap his arms around JJ, pull him closer as he lets him cry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s get you home,” Pope finally says. JJ is thankful, because they can’t stay out here for long. He doesn’t need Pope seeing his father or his father seeing him like this so he simply nods his head against Pope’s neck, letting the other help him to his feet, but the world is spinning in front of him and he stumbles, falling into Pope’s open arms as he does so. “I’ve got you. I’ll get you home.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But JJ can’t help but think that isn’t home. He will never let it be his home because he’s just a burden, only solidified by his father’s words, still ringing in his ears as Pope nearly carries him to the Heywards. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----------------------------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sneak past Pope’s parents. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ can’t really hold himself up, side aching as he stumbles up the stairs. The TV is up pretty loud though and with a simple call over his shoulder Pope is carrying the other up the stairs. Holding most of his weight as they head into the bathroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ groans as he sits on the toilet, hand pressing against his side as he leans forward, squeezing his eyes shut. The pain shoots up his side, makes him want to throw up the little content in his stomach, but he is quick to shove the feeling down as Pope’s face comes into his line of vision. The other reaches forward, lets his hand cup JJ’s cheek and JJ lets himself lean into the touch, a sigh leaving his lips as he does so. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you might have a concussion,” Pope states, pulling his hand away and JJ wants to reach forward, put the hand back on his skin, but instead he just shifts his gaze so he can watch Pope rummage through an old first aid kit, frowning when he doesn’t seem to find what he wants. “It doesn’t look like we have neosporin.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ wouldn’t normally let Pope clean him up, but he thinks the other might be right. The way his head is pounding, thumping against his skull, is probably the worst it’s ever been, and his vision is still swimming a bit as Pope comes into view again, fingers dancing along his chin and pulling his face up gently so he can start to clean off the blood. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And JJ lets him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lets him because he can’t fight the other. The muscles in his throat hurt, and he isn’t sure the words will come out correctly, still feels the tears welling just at the corner of his eyes and Pope is so gentle. He can’t remember a time when someone was so kind to him, so gentle as they cleaned him up, not since his mother left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope doesn’t say anything else as he presses the warm cloth to JJ’s blotchy skin. JJ can tell he’s trying not to scrub, knows some of the blood has dried and stained his skin at this point. He can see the concentration on Pope’s face, tongue slipping out from between his teeth like it does when he is doing homework or working on a plan for the group. JJ can’t help the word cute from slipping into his mind, eyes heavy as he watches the other work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually Pope seems satisfied, hands shaking as he starts to pull out bandages. JJ doesn’t really know where the cuts are, but Pope seems to stick on along his hairline before he takes JJ’s hand, rubs the skin clean, before he places one across his palm as well, one that JJ hadn’t even known was there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ sucks in a breath when Pope pulls the hand to his lips, kissing the raw skin before he lets it fall back to JJ’s lap. The other doesn’t linger, simply goes about cleaning up some of the supplies and whipping the blood from the sink as JJ waits. He can feel his eyes drifting closed, thinks he may have hallucinated Pope’s lips against his skin, but he can’t be sure, probably won’t ever be sure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to have to wake you up every hour,” Pope explains, shifting so he can slip his arm under JJ’s, hoisting him up from the toilet. JJ stumbles, the room spinning as Pope opens the door and leads them out of the small bathroom and toward Pope’s room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ is a bit confused when he finds himself in Pope’s bed, eyes shifting to the makeshift one on the floor. He opens his mouth to argue, but the words don’t want to come out, simply hang in his throat and suffocate him. Pope doesn’t seem to notice though, tugging off his shoes and helping JJ sit up against the headboard. Pope easily slides in next to him, wraps an arm around his shoulders, lets JJ rest his head in his neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wake you up in an hour,” Pope whispers, fingers moving to run through JJ’s hair as he curls into Pope’s side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ has never felt so loved and in that moment, he knows he can’t stay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----------------------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ doesn’t remember most of the night, knows Pope woke him up a few times, knows that his whole body aches with each exhale, knows that Pope holds him all night long, doesn’t let him go. He wakes up sweating and warm, Pope’s tired face the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He promptly closes them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The light from the window is blinding, his head aching as he lets out a groan. He leans his head back against the headboard, lets himself suck in a few aching breaths before he tries to open them again. It takes a few minutes for his eyes to adjust to the light shining through the window, for the fog in his mind to clear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling?” Pope finally asks, brown eyes catching JJ’s blue ones. The other reaches forward, brushes some of JJ’s hair off his forehead and it takes a moment for JJ to come back from that, thoughts lingering on Pope’s gentle hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” JJ finally says, voice still a little strained. He swallows the lump in his throat, realizing how dry it actually is when he sucks in a breath of stale air. The cough catches in his throat as he surges forward, shoulders hunching as pain shoots through his entire chest. Pope has his hand on his back, rubbing small circles into the fabric of his shirt, sweat soaked and smelly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get you some water,” Pope announces when JJ finally falls back against the headboard, chest aching as he breathes heavily. JJ doesn’t want him to go, frowns when Pope’s warmth leaves his side, eyes following Pope until he’s out of sight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” JJ breathes when Pope is out of sight, head falling back. He rubs his hands over the sore skin, groaning in pain at the touch, aching in every way possible. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He takes a moment to glance at the nightstand then, tugs out the first draw and digs around in it. He comes up empty handed, his juul pod long empty and the little ziplock with his weed empty. He throws the juul back into the draw in frustration, moving to kick the covers off of his legs and swing his legs over the edge of the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can feel his breath picking up again, feel the tears pricking at his eyes as he pushes himself up. He still isn’t steady on his feet, has to reach out to wrap his fingers around Pope’s desk, but he gets his balance, straightens as he makes a move for the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sudden pain courses through his veins as he falls against the door frame, side aching as he stumbled into the hallway. He doesn’t get far though, Pope coming into view as he hurries back up the stairs. The water in the cup is sloshing around, spilling over the edge and he pauses when he sees JJ, eyebrows furrowed in question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you need something else?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, </span>
  </em>
  <span>JJ thinks, </span>
  <em>
    <span>to get out of here.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He doesn’t say that, simply tries to let a smile pull up his lips as he gabs a thumb over his shoulder. “Bathroom,” he answers and Pope nods, doesn’t move until JJ shuffles his way to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finds Pope already in the bed when he walks back to the room, tries to focus on him, but finds his head is still spinning, still completely off. He falls onto the bed with a groan, shifting so he can get back into his spot. Pope hands him the water once he’s settled and he chugs half of it, muscle aching with each sip, giving the glass back as he lets his head fall against Pope’s shoulder. The other places the glass down, wraps his arm around JJ’s shoulder, holds him close. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ is nearly asleep when he feels lips on his forehead, lingering and loving in a way that makes JJ’s heart clench. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----------------------------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ stays in bed for a few days, lets Pope take care of him, lets Pope think that he’s going to stick around. It isn’t like he can leave right away though, because he can barely even breath without pain, knows that the ribs will need a few days before he can even walk down the street, lets himself have a few more days of this before he leaves, before he lets Pope live the life that he deserves. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did you tell your parents?” JJ asks suddenly. It’s been three days since Pope found him outside his father’s house, completely broken and aching. It’s been three days since JJ left this room, since he slept in his own makeshift bed without Pope pressed to his side. It’s also the first day that JJ doesn’t have a headache, doesn’t feel like his brain is exploding against his skull in a way that made him want to throw up, want to just curl up away from the light streaming in from the window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope is sitting at his desk, eyes scanning over the book in front of him. JJ knows Heyward has been on his ass about school work and summer reading after the scholarship fallout and Pope hadn’t worked on it the last few days so he had a bit of catching up to do. He hums in question at JJ’s words and he watches Pope’s eyes scan over a few more lines before he finally turns his attention to JJ. “What did you tell your parents?” JJ repeats.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope tilts his head in questions and JJ does a wild gesture to indicate he was talking about the bruising that litters his face and neck. He sees the sadness that flashes across Pope’s face, followed quickly by anger. It’s a look that JJ was starting to get used to as it seemed to pop up at any mention of his injuries. “I told them you’re sick. It was hard to convince my mom not to come in and bother you.  Why do you think you’ve had chicken noodle soup for basically every meal?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ chuckles at the response, falling back on the bed, arms wide as he looks at the ceiling. “She makes some damn good soup,” JJ comments, tilting his head so he can glance at Pope. The other smiles, laugh leaving his lips as he turns back toward his work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be sure to let her know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ lets the silence fall between them for another moment, eyes glancing out the window. The sun is starting to set across the ocean and JJ sucks in a breath, thinks about going out to surf, thinks about the waves crashing against his chest as he swims in the refreshing salt water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Pope?” JJ asks, letting his gaze shift back to the other. Pope doesn’t finish his paragraph this time, dark eyes meeting JJ’s. JJ sucks in a breath, sees so many feelings there and it suffocates him in this weird way. The lump in his throat is heavy and his jaw clenches and unclenches as he formulates the next words. “How did you know I went home?” JJ had asked at the time, but Pope had been focused on getting him out of there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope’s breath catches at the question, JJ can hear it. He watches the other as he makes his way to the bed, sits on the edge and looks down at JJ. “My mom said you went to pick up some clothes. I’ve never run so fast in my life.” Pope looks so vulnerable sitting above him, brown eyes looking at him, swirling with emotions and JJ feels like he can’t breath, but this time it isn’t because of his father’s hands around his neck, but from the way Pope looks at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And JJ decides to let himself have this just once, knows it will only hurt Pope more, but thinks maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it will keep Pope away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ reaches up, wraps his fingers around the back of Pope’s neck and pulls him down, connects their lips and JJ can’t help but think that this was always how it should have been, like something snaps into place and Pope’s lips move tentatively against his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t take long for Pope’s fingers to slide into JJ’s hair, one cupping his check. He’s leaning overJJ, angle a little awkward, and JJ wraps his arms around Pope’s waist, tugs until Pope finally shifts, moves so he is lying next to JJ on the bed. JJ doesn’t want him next to him though, wants Pope on top of him and goes to tug Pope, but the other stops him, the hand on his chin moving to press against his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to hurt you,” Pope whispers, eyes searching JJ’s blue ones. JJ doesn’t care though, wants Pope fully pressed against him, wants to feel the other’s weight on him and simply gives Pope another tug, smile on his lips when Pope sighs and shifts, legs bracketing JJ’s hips and arms now above JJ’s head. He’s close, but not close enough, doesn’t want to hurt JJ. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” JJ breaths, pulling Pope’s head down to connect their lips again. He wraps his arms around Pope’s waist, tugs him down, holds him close. And okay, it hurts like hell, but Pope is above him, hands running through his hair and lips moving against his and JJ can easily ignore the pain for once in his life, can easily ignore how shitty his life is as Pope moves his lips against his, warm and loving and gentle. It’s unlike any kiss JJ has ever had, but it’s also the first one that actually has feelings behind it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope moves though and JJ sucks in a breath, closes his eyes as pain shoots through his chest and makes him ache. Pope instantly pulls back, frowning as he searches JJ’s face.”I’m fine,” he insists, but Pope simply shakes his head, falls to the side as he lets his fingers dance across JJ’s cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not fine, JJ.” Pope brushes this thumb across his cheek, leans forward to place another kiss on his lips. “We have plenty of time to do that when you feel better.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ’s chest aches at the words, because he knows they don’t. He knows he can’t hold Pope back, pull him down with him in his sea of failure. But JJ doesn’t say anything, just nods, a tight smile pulling up his lips. Pope is smiling at him, big and wide as he leans forward to connect their lips again in a quick kiss, settling next to JJ, head on his chest. JJ holds him tight, presses his lips to Pope’s forehead as the other drifts to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t hold you back,” JJ whispers, hours later, as he slips out the window.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Call</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pope gets a call that changes everything and has him going home for the first time in a year and a half.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a very different vibe than the prologue. The rest of the story is actually from Pope's pov. For some reason, the story just wrote itself that way. Also, sorry for the lack of JJ in this chapter but we are setting up the story here.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pope frowns, eyes glancing at the board a second time as he jots down some notes for his upcoming test. The professor at the front has already moved on but Pope can’t find the notes from their previous class which would tie this theory together. He scrambles through some loose papers on the side of his desk, eyebrows furrowed when he notices his phone in the corner. He normally puts it in his bag for classes, but it seems like it got tucked under the pile without him realizing. </p><p>The text across his screen draws his attention, eyes scanning over Kie’s name. The text is accompanied by a few missed calls and it leaves a heavy feeling in Pope’s stomach as his phone lights up again, Kie’s face greeting him. The other knows he’s in class, has his schedule on her phone so she doesn’t call during class. The fact she’s calling him repeatedly has worry settling in his stomach. </p><p>The professor is still talking as he pushes himself up, trying to be sneaky as he tucks his phone in his pocket. He wouldn’t normally answer during class, but this was obviously important. With one glance at Court, he steps out of the room, tugging the phone from his pocket. </p><p>He steps away from the classroom as he swipes, holding the phone to his ear. “Shit, finally. I know you’re in class but fuck this can’t wait.” The other sounds overwhelmed and Pope can hear her heavy breathing over the line. He doesn’t understand what could get her so worked up. </p><p>“Hey to you too.” He tries to break some of the tension, get his friend to laugh over the phone, but it doesn’t help. The comment seems to go right over her head as she goes in for the kill. </p><p>“He’s back. John B is back and he has the gold.”</p><p>Pope drops his phone. </p><p>There are a million thoughts swirling in his head, trying to figure out how that's even possible. How could John B be back? How the hell did he get the gold? How was he not arrested for murder the second he stepped on the island? How much did Pope miss? </p><p>It’s then he realizes his phone is one the floor. He takes a few breaths as he leans over, fingers shaking as he puts the phone to his ear again. “What?” Because he needs to know so much. He needs more details. </p><p>“They fucking found the murder weapon a few weeks ago and John B got off,” Kie explains and Pope can hear the excitement in her voice. She’s been waiting for their return, never gave up hope that their friends would come back to them. “And shit. They somehow got the gold too.” </p><p>Pope lets himself lean against the wall as he tries to process. It’s been a little over three years since the treasure hunt, since John B, since JJ and he can’t believe this is all coming back. He can’t believe that John B is home safe, that they have the gold. “The gold?” </p><p>“John B wants us all together. When do you think you’ll be home?”</p><p>Pope can’t help the knot that forms in his stomach at the words. He hasn’t been home in a year and a half. He somehow convinced his parents to see him last Christmas and got himself an internship during the summer so he didn’t have to return home. If he’s being honest, he wasn’t planning on ever going back. </p><p>“I don’t know,” he settles on and suddenly he feels sick. He frowns as he tries to take a few deep breaths, calm himself down as he tries to think of a reason he could get out of this. “I’ll let you know. I have to get back to class.” </p><p>He doesn’t let Kie continue, because he can’t breath. He can’t have this conversation right now. Instead, he stuffs his phone in his pocket and heads back into the classroom. </p><p>It’s silent now as he shuffles around the classroom, stuffing the papers on his desk into his bag. He shoots Court a glance and he must look terrible because she reaches for him, worry etched on her face. He simply shakes his head, hurrying up to the professor. </p><p>“I’m not feeling well. I need to go to the medical wing,” he explains and she looks up, sceptical until she gets a good look at him. </p><p>“Turn in the class assignment with your homework,” she explains and he nods, not bothering to look back as he hurries out of the room. </p><p>He can’t seem to catch his breath as he nearly runs down the hall, heart pounding and thoughts racing. He collapses in the privacy of his room, breath ragged and chest aching as he realizes that he needs to go home. </p><p>——————————-</p><p>The knock on his door comes only a few hours later. Pope jumps at the sound, back pressed to the side of his desk, legs pulled up to his chest and wet tears leaking from his eyes. He doesn’t know how long he’s been there, can’t even remember getting to his room to begin with. He just knows that his breath won’t even out and his fingers ache because his hands won’t stop shaking. </p><p>The knock sounds again though and Pope has to swallow the lump in his throat, force the words to come out. “I’m busy,” he manages, his voice cracking at the words. The words have his throat constricting and a sudden wave of nausea hits him full force. He works hard to suck in a deep breath, moving his hand so he can tap his fingertips to his collarbone. </p><p>“Pope, honey, it’s Court. Are you okay?” The words are soft, soothing and Pope shrinks at them. He doesn’t need her to see him like this. They’ve been dating for almost a year and he’s managed to keep his panic attacks touched away, only for himself and his therapist to discuss, but he doesn’t know if he can hide it this time. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to just brush her off. She had seen the state he was in in class and he wouldn’t be surprised if she stayed outside the door till he let her in. </p><p>He doesn’t have the energy to fight with her anyway. The ache in his chest tugs and pulls, causing his breathing to be ragged and irregular as he slides across the ground, legs too weak to pick him up. The door knob is cold in his fingers, shaking and clammy as he turns the knob. He simply lets the lock click before he is pushing himself back to his spot next to his desk, letting his head drop into his arms so Court won’t be able to see his face. </p><p>She doesn’t say anything as she steps into the room, door quiet behind her as she pushes it closed. Pope can hear her discard her backpack, steps light as she takes the seat in front of him. He flinches when she places a hand on his shoulder. He knows it’s supposed to be comforting, gentle, but it just feels suffocating and wrong. There has always been another hand he’s craved, one with strong, crooked fingers and callous. He has to shove those thoughts away though, allow the slender fingers on his shoulder to slide down his arm until they rest just by his elbow, just inside his peripheral vision. “Pope, are you okay?”</p><p>He wants to laugh, hysterical and tear stained, at her words. Okay? Does he look okay? Does he look like someone who has their life together right now? No. He doesn’t. Why would she ask such a stupid question? He can’t say that though, doesn’t want to be harsh as she is only trying to comfort him so he simply shakes his head because he isn’t okay. This wasn’t okay. </p><p>“Can you tell me five things you see in this room?” She takes one psychology class and suddenly she’s an expert. Pope knows the thoughts are harsh, the thoughts cruel even to himself. It’s exactly what his therapist has gone over with him multiple times. He has to swallow the lump in his throat. He knows he is being irrational, but he just can’t stop. He isn’t practicing any of his techniques so he tries to swallow the lump in his throat, shifts his head just enough to see over his folded arms to look around the room. He’s thankful she doesn’t say anything about his tear stained face. </p><p>It takes longer than he expects but Court sits in front of him, hand still resting in his elbow, thumb brushing back and forth in a soothing manner that he allows him to focus on as he comes up with the first item. “Desk,” he breaths. He has to take a moment, words caught in his throat and suffocating. He takes a second to clear his throat before he continues. “Bed.” He can do this. “Chair.” He allows himself a breath, happy when it enters his lungs better this time, less constricting. “Rug.” He focuses on his breathing for a moment, trying to make it as even as possible as he continues. “Window.” He takes in a few more breaths, noticing the way his fingers have slowed, the ache tingling just a little less. He finally pulls his head up completely, moving quickly to wipe at the tears in his eyes. “Door,” he whispers, voice still raw as he watches Court. He allows himself a moment to think, realizing he’s named six items instead of five.</p><p>He lets out a breath, feels like he can actually breathe as he watches Court finally sits back, crossing her legs on the floor. Pope copies her position, moving slower as he situated himself. He can still hear his heart pounding in his chest and he takes a moment for taps, fingers moving across his face and shoulders in order to help ground him. Court is patient in front of him, small smile on her lips as she watches closely. </p><p>She is nice enough to stay quiet as Pope lets his heart rate drop, happy when he can finally catch his breath a little better. “How was the rest of class?” He asks, because he doesn’t want to talk about it. The look on her face tells Pope she wants to ask, he can see it in her eyes, but she seems too worried to ask. </p><p>“It was fine. I brought you notes,” she answers, reaching forward. She takes his hand, fingers playing with his in what he thinks is supposed to be soothing. The only problem is that it reminds him of high energy and all day on the boat at sea. “We didn’t do much after you left honestly.” </p><p>“John B is back,” he says, suddenly. It shows on Court’s face, eyes wide and mouth gaping. Pope has told her a little about their treasure hunt, about his friends back home. She knows the other went down with the ship, knows he is out there somewhere with hope still blooming in his chest. “They want me to come and see him.” He doesn’t mention the gold. Doesn’t know if he should yet. Doesn’t know if he even believes it yet. </p><p>She furrows her brows at the statement. Pope has also told her he has no intentions of going back to Outer Banks. That wasn’t the direction his life was going to take him. He was eventually going to graduate, get a job, marry a girl, have kids, and move his parents to wherever he settled. When he saw this happening, it was never the Outer Banks. “Are you going to?” </p><p>And Pope doesn’t know. He isn’t sure if he’ll be able to step back on that island after everything so he simply shrugs his shoulders in answer, watching as Court tries to process something. “Well, maybe we can do some work and talk more about it later?” </p><p>He’s thankful for the distraction as she leans forward, pressing a peck to his lips as both of them get up. Pope’s legs are a little shaky and Court pretends to hug him, all smiles and warmth, but Pope knows she is simply helping him to his chair, tired and worn from the day. He doesn’t know how much work he’ll get done but Court pulls up the extra chair and starts explaining it to him anyway. </p><p>———————————-</p><p>Pope is hunched over his work, notebook on his legs in front of him. The pen in his hand flies over the notebook paper, scribbles barely legible to anyone but himself. Court is sitting at the desk, soft instrumental music playing in the background as she writes in her own notebook, letters curled in a legible manner. </p><p>They’ve been studying for a few hours now. They have midterms in a few days and it’s basically all they’ve been doing. Court is good about helping him, going through material even when she isn’t in the same class. She is patient when Pope’s frustration and anxiety flairs, letting him calm himself back down before she continues. </p><p>Today is no different. They’ve gone through notes for a while before breaking off for their separate classes. Pope is just scribbling down a few more notes when Court turns to him, slamming her pen on the desk with a loud thud. “I think it’s time for dinner and then we can go through organic chem again,” she announces. The sudden movement has Pope jumping, eyes shifting only momentarily to look at her before shifting down to his book. He writes down a few more things before he stuffs his notebook into the pages, closing the book as best he can. </p><p>“I could go for dinner,” he admits. He can’t remember if they even ate lunch at this point, but he’s sure Court made him eat something at some point. She’s always there taking care of him. </p><p>She nods at the words, arms stretching over her head as she gets up. It causes her shirt to rise and Pope glances at the smooth skin, frown tugging down his lips when a perfect pair of abs flash in front of his eyes. He has to shake the thoughts from his head, shifting his gaze to find Court smiling at him, coy as she steps forward. “Like what you see?” She teases, leaning forward to press her lips against Pope’s. </p><p>“Yes,” Pope says, because he knows he should. He figures if he tells himself that enough he’ll believe it. “But we have to grab dinner so we can keep studying.” She frowns against his lips at the words. </p><p>“We can be fast,” she smiles, eyes shining. Pope swallows the lump in his throat and leans forward to connect their lips again, slow and languid in the way he knows she likes. </p><p>“Later, I promise.” They both know it’s an empty promise. Pope is basically a pro at making excuses now, but Court doesn’t push him, never has, and it’s one of the things that he has always appreciated about her. </p><p>She sighs against his mouth, leaning back until she isn’t pressed against the edge of the bed anymore. Pope shifts forward and slides off the bed, pecking her lips before he heads to the door. </p><p>The silence is weird today. It settles over them and forms this bubble of awkwardness as they eat dinner, glancing at each other to check in every once and awhile. Court doesn’t push, but Pope can tell she wants to. He can tell there are questions just waiting to be asked. </p><p>“I’m going home for winter break,” he announces, because the tension is too much and she is about to ask him something and Pope has a feeling it was something he wouldn’t be able to answer. </p><p>She looks surprised at his announcement, eyes a bit wide as she searches his face for any indication of a lie. “Oh, when did you decide that?” </p><p>He’s basically been thinking about it nonstop since Kie called a few days ago. It didn’t matter what scenario played out in Pope’s head, because in every one he couldn’t get out of the visit, was always going home to be with his friends. He always had a weak spot for the pogues and curiosity was getting the best of him in this moment. “I don’t know. I kept thinking about it and don’t see a way out of visiting. Plus, my parents will be happy if I’m home for Christmas.” </p><p>“Are you sure?” </p><p>No. He isn’t sure, but he knows he has to do this. He knows he needs closure on that chapter of his life. “No, but I’m going anyway.”</p><p>“How are you getting there?” She asks, head tilting a bit in curiosity. </p><p>“I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” He didn’t want to take the bus home. He knew it would take forever and he didn’t have the money to pay for a flight. Well, actually, they had the gold but he didn’t know how to access it, didn’t want to ask yet. </p><p>“You can take my car.” Pope isn’t really sure how he met someone so nice. Court was much too good to him. It would be a long drive, but it was his beat option. </p><p>“Are you sure?” She nods, reaches out to take his hand. “I’ll think about it.” </p><p>The awkward tension fades as they continue eating. They study the rest of the night, Court curled up next to him. He can’t help but wish for someone else. </p><p>———————————</p><p>Pope has already gotten his grades back from midterms when he finally works up the nerve to call Kie. She’s been bugging him for a few weeks, annoyed that he hung up on her, but also annoyed he is clearly ignoring her. It isn’t that Pope wants to ignore her - Kie was his best friend - but he hadn’t been able to face it yet. </p><p>The phone rings twice before Kie picks up. “Finally fucking decide you can call me back,” she bits, and Pope frowns at her harsh tone. He knows he deserves it though, thinks he actually deserves worse. </p><p>“Ah- yeah….sorry - I just,” he rubs the back of his neck, nerves causing a twitch in his fingers. He has to take a deep breath, work on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. “I needed some time to process. I’m sorry I cut you off to do that.” </p><p>She sighs into the other line and Pope can see her. He knows she’s frowning, exasperated by his behavior. She’s definitely pacing now, outside The Wreck on her break. It makes Pope smile at the fond memories of his friend. He misses her. “Pope, you don’t think I needed time to process. It doesn’t mean you can cut out your friends.”</p><p>Pope swallows the lump in his throat, guilt settling like a lead balloon in his stomach. “I’m sorry. I know. I just - I’m not ready to come back.” I’m not ready to see him is left unsaid as Pope starts to pace his own room. He’s terrified to see the other, but he knows it will happen. They found the gold together. There was no way John B didn’t reach out to JJ about this, no matter where JJ was.</p><p>(Pope knows Kie keeps track of him. She always manages to slip JJ into their conversations, casual and light, and Pope’s chest always tightens, aches with each word that leaves her lips. He doesn’t know why Kie mentions him. She doesn’t know about their past, but knows something happened, knows how Pope aches from the loss of his best friend. Pope has never been good at masking the pain he feels from the hole that JJ left in his heart.) </p><p>“But you’re coming?” Kie asks, and Pope can hear the hope in her voice. They haven’t seen each other since he left for college and he aches to hug his friend, hold her close. </p><p>“Yeah, I’m coming home for winter break. I can’t exactly leave during the semester.” He hears Kie sigh over the phone, can practically feel her relief at his words. </p><p>“Shit, they’ll be so happy to hear that. They’re getting restless. John B is being so tight lipped. It’s annoying as fuck,” she groans and Pope laughs, warm and bright. It feels like old times in that moment with Kie annoyed at any one of them. It was nice. “And I can’t wait to see you.” </p><p>“It’s been way too long, Kie.” Because it has. </p><p>She hums in agreement, “How are you getting home?” Home. It sounds so weird. He hadn’t been home in almost a year and a half. Did he even consider it home anymore? </p><p>“I’m taking Court’s car.”</p><p>“Is she coming with you?” And Pope doesn’t know, but he feels like her voice changes, disappointed in a way that makes Pope frown. </p><p>“No,” Pope answers. He hadn’t planned on bringing her, but it hurts that Kie wouldn’t want him too, wouldn’t want to meet her in person. “She’s spending Christmas with her family. I’m driving down myself.” </p><p>“Do you want me to fly up? I can meet you and we can do a little road trip.” He can hear the worry in her voice. </p><p>He knows it’s a long trip, but he’ll be fine. He tells her as such too. “No, I’ll be fine. Plus, I think I’ll need the time….” He doesn’t know how to word it, but Kie gets it. She always has. </p><p>“Yeah, I know. Just...drive safe.” Pope nods even though she can’t see and they fall into an easy conversation after that. He hangs up feeling better than he has in weeks. </p><p>———————————</p><p>The music is low in the background, fingers tight around the steering wheel. Pope glances in his mirror, frown tugging down his lips when someone flies by him. He curses, flicking his blinker on before he switches lanes. </p><p>The gps on his phone pings and he glances at it, noting a text from Kie flashing on the screen. He doesn’t read it as he glances back at the road, getting ready to change lanes again as he crosses the border into Maryland. </p><p>It’s only a few minutes later when Kie finally calls him, probably realizing that he wasn’t able to text back while he was driving. </p><p>“When are you going to be here?” She asks before he can even greet her. He laughs, smile wide. It’s like having a kid with him asking are we there yet. This isn’t even her first call. She’s already called twice asking. </p><p>“Kie, I’m barely into Maryland. I have hours to go,” he answers and she sighs on the other line, disappointed. </p><p>“But you’ll let me know when you’re close, right? I want to meet you at the pier.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll call you when I’m at the ferry,” he agrees. He honestly can’t wait to see Kie. He hadn’t realized how much he missed her until he was coming home. It was probably one of the only things he was excited about for this trip. “We’ll get dinner after, at The Wreck.”</p><p>She agrees and Pope listens to her talk for the next hour. It’s a good distraction from his thoughts, because the music hadn’t been helping and he was starting to get into his head about the whole thing, starting to regret coming back. He couldn’t regret it though, not with Kie’s voices echoing in the car telling him about all the plans she’s made for them for the next three weeks. </p><p>She asks him his location before she hangs up and Pope relays it even though she’s following his trip on her phone. She promises to call on her work break the first chance she gets before she hangs up, excitement in her voice. </p><p>The rest of the ride is quiet. Pope can’t stop thinking about going home, how long it’s been since he’s seen the island. He wonders if anything has changed, wonders how his friends are doing. He wonders how JJ is doing. </p><p>He sits with that for a while, working through some of his thoughts about JJ. The last he heard the other was working at a boat shop, doing repairs. He still worked his side gigs for the kooks for extra money and Kie had mentioned he was staying at the Chateau after the place had been abandoned for years. He doesn’t know much else. He remembers hearing rumors about the other before he left for school, rumors that involved a lot of trouble and more drugs than Pope could even imagine. He knows the other dropped out of school only a few weeks into junior year, which made avoiding him much easier. But Kie has seemed pretty hopeful the few times she mentioned him, talking about the positive changes he’s made in his life before Pope brushed off the JJ topic and moved on. </p><p>The thought of the other causes an ache in his heart. Should he have tried harder when JJ left? Should he have chased him down and made him stay? Should he have looked after him when JJ couldn’t look after himself? But JJ had been the one who pushed him away. Pope had tried, would finally track down the other only for JJ to shove him away and run off again. It was too much after a while. Pope hasn’t been able to handle the heartbreak the other caused over and over again. He eventually stopped trying, let the other go. JJ didn’t want him. He made that clear. </p><p>Pope has to shake the thoughts from his head, because he can feel his breath picking up, feel his fingers starting to shake on the wheel. He grips it harder, watching his knuckles turn white as he changes lanes, the exit for the ferry coming up. </p><p>He’s thankful when he can put his car into park. This allows him time to catch his breath, work through some of his exercise that his therapist taught him. It isn’t till he manages to calm down that he heads to the ticket booth, smiling at the woman as he purchases his ticket. He sends Kie a quick text when he makes it back to his car, letting her know he’s getting on the ferry. </p><p>The car is touched away in the ferry when he steps onto the main deck, taking in a deep breath as he lets the salt water wash over him. He may go to a school near the ocean, but there was nothing like this. He can feel the fresh hair hit his lung, letting his muscles relax one by one as the ocean mist sprays his face. He smiles at the feeling, memories flashing back and causing happiness to bubble in his heart. </p><p>The second the island comes into view he knows he did the right thing. It does feel like he’s coming home, like this was the right move. The announcement over the speaker catches his attention and he frowns when he starts to make his way back to the car, waiting patiently as the boat comes to a stop and they signal cars one by one off the boat. </p><p>He finds a spot along the pier, door slamming behind him as he watches the ocean stretch out before him. He adjusts the hat on his head, pulling his further down so the wind doesn’t take it as he walks along the dock, eyes scanning for Kie’s long brown hair. </p><p>He doesn’t find Kie’s long brown hair blowing in the wind though. Instead, he finds a head of blond hair, shorter than he remembers but still blowing in the wind, and a pair of blue eyes. They lock on him instantly and Pope feels his whole body freeze up, breath stuck in his throat. </p><p>JJ Maybank is looking at him, standing on the other side of the dock.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoyed! I'd love your feedback! </p><p>Feel free to find me on <a href="https://playitaagain.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> to chat!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. and we're back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pope finally sees his friends after so long. They bond and talk about the gold.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Pope!”</p><p>The call of his name makes him ripe his gaze away from JJ, turning to find Kie running toward him. She has a bright smile on her face, eyes shining as she jumps into his arms. Pope stumbles back, barely having time to process as he wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her close. He takes in her familiar scent, enjoying the smell of her shampoo mixed with the salt of the ocean. </p><p>“I missed you so much,” she whispers into his neck and Pope can hear the tears in her voice. He can feel his own tears prickling his eyes and he wonders why he hadn’t come back to see her sooner. He had been so busy avoiding JJ that he forgot how much he needed this. </p><p>Pope holds her tighter at the words, lifting her feet off the ground as he spins her around. She laughs, wild and free as her hair flies around her face. “Pope! Put me down!” He laughs, gentle as her feet make contact with the ground again. </p><p>“I missed you too,” he smiles, pulling away so he can get a good look at her face. They’ve talked over FaceTime more times than he can count but nothing is like seeing her in person. The deep brown eyes looking at him are so bright and happy, so welcoming and the brown curls falling over her shoulder are blowing in the cool breeze, strands getting caught on her lip gloss slick lips. “I missed you so fucking much.” </p><p>She laughs when he pulls her in again, pressing a kiss to her cheek as he does so. “You’re looking good,” she comments, hand rubbing his back in a soothing manner. He doesn’t want to pull away, but he knows he has too. “I was worried with all the time you spend hauled up in your room studying.” </p><p>Pope laughs, pulling away to see the teasing glint in her eyes. Pope shakes his head. “You look good too. As beautiful as ever,” he smiles and she rolls her eyes. </p><p>“Watch out, you have a girlfriend now. Don’t want her getting jealous.” Pope laughs, but knows Court has nothing to be jealous about when it comes to Kie. Pope thinks that maybe she should be worried, but not about Kie, about the boy walking toward them now, smile on his lips and blue eyes shining in the last of the sun.</p><p>“I promise I didn’t know he was going to be here,” she whispers when she feels Pope stiffen in her arms. She shoots him a pleading look, one telling him to just be nice. </p><p>“Shit, Pope, is that you, man?” </p><p>Pope’s breath catches at the sound of JJ’s voice. It’s deepened a little in time, a little rougher around the edges than he remembers. The smirk is the same though, crooked and warm all at the same time. He has a few wrinkles around his eyes that come out with his smile. </p><p>Pope takes him in when JJ stops in front of him, eyes trailing up JJ’s body. He looks the same, a little more filled out and a few inches taller than he remembers. He’s wearing a light jacket, but Pope can see the bulge of his arms under the fabric, the strong thighs in his loose fitting jeans. The other still looks just as tan as he remembers, hair still sun kissed and blond. </p><p>The second Pope meets those blue eyes he knows the silence has stretched long enough. He has to suck in a deep breath as he looks at the other, memories causing pain to sit heavily in his chest. “Yeah, man, it’s good to see you,” Pope finally says around the lump in his throat. He tries to tell himself it’s a lie, but he knows in his heart that it isn’t. JJ’s smile widens, his whole face lighting up as he steps forward to wrap his arms around Pope. </p><p>Pope feels like a teenager again as he lets his arms wrap around JJ in return. This boy, the one he loved so much, holds him tight for a moment before stepping back. “Damn, I can’t believe you’re finally here, JB won’t even tell us anything, dude. It’s so fucking annoying.” </p><p>“Yeah, I guess I’ve been holding everything up. But, I couldn’t ditch. I had to finish up the semester before I could come home,” he explains, chest heavy. He reaches for Kie’s hand and gives it a squeeze, letting it ground him. This is more than he was ready for on his first day back. He was hoping for another day to prepare himself to see the other. It didn’t help that JJ was acting so normal, like nothing happened. </p><p>“I got it. Always carrying the group smarts wise, man,” JJ smiles and Pope’s heart pounds at the look of pride that flashes across JJ’s face. He simply nods at the words, watching JJ as he glances down the pier. “Anyway, it was good to see you. I have to head to work. We’re meeting up tomorrow, right?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Kie answers for him, shooting Pope a glance. He hadn’t heard those plans but it makes sense. The others have been waiting on him to hear the whole story. He’s actually surprised they aren’t meeting tonight. “We’ll see you then.”</p><p>JJ nods, shooting Pope one last glance before he hurries down the dock and out of view. Pope lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, turning his attention to Kie. “Let’s grab a bite to eat,” she smiles, sympathetic as she tugs him down the pier. He’s thankful she doesn’t ask any questions. </p><p>——————————</p><p>The memories flood back the second the Chateau comes into view and Pope feels like he can’t breath. The memories creep up his throat, block the air from going into his lungs as he leans forward, eyes closed as he tries to catch his breath. The problem is that the sounds are even familiar and the crash of the waves have memories of days on the boat flooding his brain, or the whistle of the wind has memories of the nights he spent in that same house with the friends he hasn’t seen in years. </p><p>He feels like someone has wrapped their fingers around his heart, squeezed it in his chest and tried to rip it out from the protection of his ribes. The lack of air simply makes his lungs feel like they are shriveling up, desperate for the humidity thick oxygen to enter his lungs. He tries to suck in the air, but his throat closes as tears start to form at the corner of his eyes. </p><p>He thinks back to his therapy sessions, starts to go through steps as he tries to go through five things that he sees, but the problem is that he opens his eyes to find JJ standing at the door of the chateau and the pain makes his chest ache when he meets those blue eyes. It causes bile to rise in his throat and suffocate him and he suddenly needs to get out of there, take a walk to calm himself down, try to go through some of the steps his therapist has spent countless hours trying to teach him. </p><p>The problem is that JJ is walking toward him, concern written over his face and it simply makes Pope’s heart constrict because JJ has no right to be worried about him, not after everything they went through, everything JJ put him through. “Hey, man, are you okay?” The hand lands on his shoulder before he can run away and he flinches at the touch, rips his shoulder away like it is burning. He doesn’t miss the flash of hurt on JJ’s face, but he has no right to be hurt. They may have had a civil conversation yesterday, but Pope’s panic was unpleasant and he finds his normal filter is suffering from it. </p><p>“Fuck off, JJ,” Pope snaps, breath heavy as he glares at the other. JJ steps back, hands up in defense as he watches Pope, waits for what is coming next, because Pope is ready to explode. “Fuck off! It’s been three years since we’ve seen each other, since you fucking walked out on me. Don’t pretend like nothing happened, like you didn’t just leave after you fucking kissed me like that. Don’t fucking pretend that every time I was close to finding you, you ran the other fucking way. Don’t pretend that you didn’t fucking hurt me.”</p><p>Pope is panting by the end and his heart still hurts, but it hurts in a different way now. It doesn’t feel like it is constricting in pain, his lungs gasping for breath like his usual panic attacks. This felt like relief. This felt like some sort of closure that he never got with JJ. This felt like him being able to finally move on after hating the other for so long. It felt like he could breath.</p><p>That all comes crashing down when he finally looks at JJ. The relief is instantly gone, replaced by the ache for this boy in front of him and Pope hates himself. He hates that after all this time and all of this heartbreak JJ can still have this effect on him. JJ had been his best friend long before the kiss, broken and aching for love, and that same kid was standing in front of him, frown on his lips and hurt reflected in his eyes, but Pope doesn’t think it’s fair that the other looks at him like that. Pope was the one that was wronged here. JJ was the one who hurt him. </p><p>JJ doesn’t say anything. He has the audacity not to even acknowledge those words, acknowledge the pain he caused Pope. Instead, he turns on his heels, jaw tense as he makes his way back to the chateau. Pope is so frustrated, so annoyed that he finds his fist coming into contact with the nearest tree. “Fuck,” he yells, shaking his hand out. There is blood trickling from his knuckles now and he leans against the tree, trying to calm his breath. If there was one good thing about the confrontation, it was that he didn’t feel like he was panicking anymore. Instead all he could focus on is his anger and hurt, both focused toward the blond boy in the Chateau.</p><p>Pope doesn’t know how long he stands out there when Kie walks up to him. Pope knows he looks like a bit of a mess. There are tear tracks down his cheeks, which he hadn’t noticed in the moment, and blood dripping from his knuckles, bruises forming over his dark skin. Kie doesn’t ask, simply pulls him into a hug at first sight and Pope sinks into her. He missed this girl more than he ever thought he would and he lets himself enjoy her warmth for as long as he can before he notices John B and Sarah walking up to the Chateau. Pope reluctantly pulls away from Kie, whips the tears from his cheeks and makes his way to his friend. </p><p>“Fuck, Pope!” John B smiles and Pope can’t help the smile that pulls up his lips. If John B notices the blood on his knuckles, he doesn’t mention anything as he pulls Pope in, claps him on the back a few times before he pulls away. He leaves his hands on Pope’s shoulders, looks him up and down with a smile. “Damn, looking good, man.” Pope chuckles, giving the other a shove. </p><p>“It’s good to see you.” Because it is good to see him. This whole thing, these feelings, they weren’t about John B. He was excited to see his friends after so long. These feelings were about JJ and he needed to push them aside for now, enjoy this moment with his friends. “It’s been way too long.” </p><p>“I fucking know. I still can’t believe I got off. I never thought I’d be back here with the gold of all things.” John B seems excited at the mention of the gold and Pope is instantly reminded that that is the reason they are here. They’re supposed to be discussing the gold and John B was so tight lipped that Pope had held them up for almost two months. He felt bad now that he was looking at his friend. He had been so absorbed in his own problems with JJ, hadn’t been able to push them aside to see his friend after years apart, after everything. </p><p>“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” Pope says, remorse evident in his voice. John B doesn’t seem to mind though, simply reaches forward to pat him on the back a few times with a smile. </p><p>“It’s no big deal. I know you’re doing great things, man.” Pope lets out a sigh at the other’s words, smile pulling up his lips as he finally turns his attention to Sarah. She looks older, long blonde hair falling over her shoulders and eyes shining bright. They never really got to know her, but she goes in for the hug anyway and Pope accepts it, lets her hold him for a moment before she pulls back with a kind smile. </p><p>“It’s good to see you.” Pope nods, about to reply, but JJ interrupts before he can, coming out of the Chateau like they hadn’t just had a huge blow out. </p><p>“Are you fuckers going to hurry up so we can get this over with,” JJ calls, hand wrapped around the door frame as he leans over the stairs. John B smiles at him, hurrying over to shove his best friend onto the porch. Pope’s chest aches as he watches JJ smile, bright and warm as a laugh leaves his lips. It makes Pope’s heart ache. </p><p>Kie comes up next to him, slips her hand into his and pulls him toward the house. Pope is thankful for the comfort of her fingers wrapped around his. He’s thankful as he steps into the house, looks at JJ on the other side of the room and feels like he is going to float away only for Kie’s fingers to pull him back to the ground, hold him in place. </p><p>Pope sits as far away from JJ as possible, lets his arm drape across Kie’s shoulders so she can lean against him. He hates that his mind instantly wanders back to the blond on the other side of the room, how he had always wanted this with JJ, wanted to hold him close and never let him go. He shakes the thoughts from his head, turns his attention to John B, who has pulled a chair from the kitchen and sits on it backwards. It’s so reminiscent of their childhood, of weekends spent playing made up games and drinking beer. </p><p>“Well,” John B starts, glancing around the group with a smile. Pope gives him his complete attention, works hard not to let his eyes drift to the blond, works hard to ignore the ache in his chest. “We got the gold.” JJ woops from the other side of the room and John B laughs, giving him a bit of a shove to get him to stop. Kie merely rolls her eyes at the both of them and it’s so much like the old days that Pope feels nauseous.</p><p>“Shut up, JJ,” Kie says but there is no bite to her words. JJ shoots her a big smile and she shakes her head, turns her attention back to John B like he is the teacher at the front of the classroom. </p><p>“It’s been the longest three years trying to get this gold,” John B starts. They know a little bit about his experience, know about the boat that picked him up, know about the trip to the Bahamas, know that John B and Sarah layed low for a while so they didn’t draw attention as they scoped out Ward Cameron’s second home. </p><p>John B tells them how they broke into the complex - John B describes the house as three times the size as the one on the Outer Banks - and spent months figuring out all the little nooks and crannies, trying to figure out where Ward could hide so much gold without drawing much attention to him. He talks about how Sarah had been ready to give up, how she decided the money was in the bank, already out of their hands.</p><p>The biggest part of the story is the arrest. They had both been ready to give up, live out their lives in hiding in the Bahamas when the police came for Ward Cameron. It left an empty house and Sarah remembering a weird memory of her father from her childhood. It had been the key to the whole thing as she pushed open a door only a few days after her father was arrested to find 400mil of gold sitting untouched in the room. </p><p>They didn’t wait to deposit the money. </p><p>“It’s all there. We’re fucking rich,” John B says after his animated retelling of their little treasure hunt. “And no one is going to believe Ward Cameron after this so we should be good.” </p><p>“Fuck,” JJ whispers and Pope finally spares him a glance. The other looks shell shocked, holding a piece of paper with his bank information written across it. Pope has one of his own too, thumb brushing back and forth over the account number as he tries to process what the hell John B just told them. “We’re fucking rich.” </p><p>“Holy shit,” Pope says, eyes shifting to glance down at the paper in his hand. He can already feel his chest tightening again and he curses himself, curses his fucking body for betraying him. He doesn’t stay longer, pushes himself off the shitty couch and makes his way out the door. He can hear John B calling him, hear Kie telling him to just leave Pope alone for a moment. </p><p>Pope goes home, curls up in his childhood room and works through every exercise he’s ever gone through with his therapist. </p><p>——————————</p><p>“Have you gone surfing since you moved?” Kie asks. She has a board tucked under her arm, car parked on the street near Pope’s house. John B is going to pick them up soon in the twinkie. Pope still doesn’t understand how John B got the twinkie back, but John B has always had his ways and Pope wasn’t going to question it. “Court doesn’t seem like the surfing type.”</p><p>Pope furrows his brows at the comment, taking a moment to glance at his phone. Court hasn’t texted him back yet and he hates himself for a moment. He lets out a sigh as he shoves the device back into his pocket, lets his eyes fall on Kie’s curious face. “I haven’t been since I left. I honestly can’t remember when the last time I surfed was,” Pope answers, ignoring the comment about Court. </p><p>(Pope really doesn’t remember the last time he surfed, but he thinks it was before the treasure hunt, before JJ kissed him, before JJ left, before JJ avoided him. He had thought about it a few times, but it would only cause an ache in his chest as he remembered the blond, so open and free, gliding across the waves effortlessly.)</p><p>“Well, I hope you remember how,” Kie comments and Pope simply laughs, thinks the same thing as a horn catches their attention. Kie turns her head, smiles when she sees the Twinkie come to a stop at the end of the road. She turns back to Pope with bright eyes, reaches forward to grab his hand and tug him out of the house. Pope laughs, barely having time to close the door behind him as Kie pulls him down the path, only stopping to let him grab his old board.</p><p>Pope smiles at John B as he takes the board from his hands, tucks it up onto the top of the twinkie with some string, not worried that it may not hold. Pope takes the opportunity to look in the van, noting the lack of a particular blond boy, one that always used to find himself a seat near Pope in the back. </p><p>John B must notice him looking around the van, slaps him on the back a few times before he starts around the van toward the driver’s seat. “JJ’s meeting us a bit later. He had an early shift. That asshole is always working now. I told him he could slow down now that we have the gold, but he likes it,” John B explains, pulling the door open and slipping inside. He leans over to place a kiss on Sarah’s cheek as he turns the key.</p><p>Kie doesn’t let Pope have a second as she shoves him into the van, like she knows he is over thinking already, trying to process what John B just said. Pope is curious though because JJ hated work when they were kids, only did it so he could eat, but now he likes to keep busy with work. Pope wants to know more, but he doesn’t ask. He simply laughs as he settles on the seat in the back, Kie sliding up between his legs and resting her cheek on his knee.</p><p>The idle chatter in the van is a nice reprieve from the nerves settling in his stomach. The closer they get to the ocean, the more he starts to worry about his skills. He hasn’t been surfing in ages and he isn’t keen on the idea of having to relearn. He hopes Kie is right, hopes that it will be like riding a bike as he gets back up on his board. Kie must sense his nerves, because she smiles up at him, grabs his hand to give it a squeeze as they come to a stop at the beach. </p><p>Pope’s heart rate goes down as he steps onto the sand though, eyes scanning over the familiar water. The waves crash onto the shore and Pope takes in a deep breath, feels at home as he looks out over the expanse of ocean in front of him. The water is different here, blue and clear, as Pope gets close enough so that it laps at his ankles. </p><p>“Make sure you wax the board before you go in,” John B reminds, tossing the board out in front of him and climbing on. Sarah is right behind him as she paddles out after him, both with a smile on their faces.</p><p>Kie comes up next to him, holds out some wax. “Did you forget how to wax your board too?” Kie jokes and Pope chuckles, takes a seat in the ocean and rests his board on his knees. Kie takes a seat next to him, board discarded on the sand. Pope is thankful she waits for him to finish up, thankful she lets them sit in silence as she looks out over the ocean. </p><p>“I know what happened between you and JJ.”</p><p>Pope pauses, breath catching in this throat. He can feel his fingers shaking, feel his heart rate picking up as he turns his attention to his friend. He searches her face, tries to figure out if she’s telling the truth, but Kie looks sad, looks like she isn’t lying. Pope doesn’t want to talk about this, never wanted Kie to know about this. “How did you find out?” he manages to get out, feels the way his throat threatens to close. </p><p>He has to pull his gaze away from her, eyes scanning over the ocean as he takes in a few deep breaths. He counts with each breath, 4 seconds for each step and he feels himself calm back down. He could do this. He could talk about it. Kie deserved to know after everything, should know what happened and Pope could use someone to talk to. It would be good to talk about it with someone other than his therapist. </p><p>“JJ let it slip one night. He was pretty wasted and missing you.” Kie is looking at him, but Pope gives himself another second before he turns to look at her. “He’s not the same dumb kid he was back then.” </p><p>“It still hurt,” Pope says, voice soft. Kie frowns, but nods, like she understands and Pope thinks she gets it. JJ had shut her out for a long time too, ignored them both for the rest of high school. Kie had only reconnected with him a year ago. “He still left, still avoided me for years.”</p><p>“I can’t imagine how much that hurt, Pope. I’m not excusing his actions, but he’s working hard to be better.” Pope looks at her for a moment before he nods his head, one single jut of his chin before he turns to look at the water again. </p><p>“That doesn’t give him the right to act like nothing happened.” The last few days have been confusing to say the least and JJ acting so normal didn’t help. He felt like JJ was trying to brush it under the rug, forget it ever happened. “I blew up at him yesterday.” </p><p>“I know.” Pope should be shocked at the words, but he isn’t. JJ trusts Kie and Kie can read Pope anyway. The fact his knuckles are still purpling from their contact with a tree had to tip Kie off that something happened. “Did it help?” </p><p>Pope thinks that’s a weird question. “No,” Pope answers honestly after he thinks about it for a moment. It hadn’t helped to let all his anger out in such a way. He thinks back to his sessions with his therapist and knows that wasn’t the healthiest way to get his emotions out. “This is helping a lot more actually,” he admits. Kie gives him a sad smile, places a hand on his knee. </p><p>“I’m always here to talk,” Kie reassures, leans over to pull Pope into a hug. Pope has to admit that it feels good to talk about it, to let it out in the open. “And your secrets are always safe with me.” </p><p>Pope laughs at her words, feels better, feels like this weird weight has been lifted from his shoulders, not completely, but it’s a start. The moment is interrupted when an arm wraps around Pope’s shoulder and blond hair comes into his vision. JJ is smiling, wide and happy, as he pulls away. </p><p>“Do you even remember how to surf, man?” </p><p>Pope ignores the ache in his chest as he watches JJ jump on his board, paddle out to meet John B and Sarah in the ocean. He’s just as good as Pope remembers. </p><p>“Come on. That’s enough heart to heart for now. I want to see you fall off that board.” Pope simply laughs at her words, taking the hand Kie has extended out toward him. She pulls him up with a grunt and Pope pulls her into a hug, lets it linger for a moment before the two grab their boards and head out to meet their friends in the water. </p><p>He doesn’t feel the need to blow up at JJ anymore and he thinks that is a good first step. </p><p>——————————</p><p>Pope lets out a breath as he looks up at the Chateau. That overwhelming feeling makes his heart ache, but today is different. These memories make his heart ache for days spent with his friends, for the happy memories of days on the boat and nights spent shooting the shit and drinking beer. Pope doesn’t let the anxiety settle today, doesn’t let it close his throat and make his heart pound. He stays outside the chateau as he takes in a few deep breaths, lets his heart rate go back down before he goes to push the door open. </p><p>The figure on the dock catches his attention though, making his pause as he turns his attention to the smoke puffing into the moonlight. Pope can recognize the blond hair even from here, can see the other’s feet dangling over the edge, joint between his fingers and shoulders rising with each breath. </p><p>Pope doesn’t know what draws him, stopped questioning it years ago. The conversation with Kie has him making his way down the dock, leaves crunching with each step and wood creaking as he steps onto the old dock. The sound draws JJ’s attention, blue eyes shining in the near full moon as they meet Pope’s dark eyes. </p><p>JJ tilts his head in question, lets Pope take his time making his way down to the end of the dock. The only sound between them is the waves below, lapping at JJ’s bare feet as Pope takes a seat a few feet away from him, back leaning against one of the posts, single leg drawn to his chest while he lets the other lay across the expanse of the old wood. </p><p>The joint is offered without question, JJ glances down at it before he meets Pope’s eyes again. Pope contemplates for a second before he reaches forward, lets his fingers wrap around the joint before he brings it to his lips. He doesn’t smoke often, but he’s been known on campus to take a few puffs and he does so now, lets it flow through his veins as he feels each muscle relax. He takes a second hit before he hands it back to the other, letting out a breath of smoke as JJ watches him closely. </p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>The words are whispered into the night, breeze taking them away and Pope thinks his ears were playing tricks on him again, but JJ is looking at him and Pope can see the emotions swirling in his eyes. He knows he didn’t just hear those words. It’s only taken three and a half years to hear those words.</p><p>Pope can feel the lump in his throat as he watches the other, heart pounding against his chest. It isn’t the usual anxiety though. This pounding is anticipation to hear what JJ has to say next. This pounding is from the look on JJ’s face, remorse, and something Pope doesn’t want to place, thinks is love, but is quick to shove that feeling aside and pretend he didn’t just think that. </p><p>“I’m sorry I left you like that,” JJ starts, taking a long breath from his joint. Pope watches the way his shoulders relax. “I shouldn’t have done that. I was stupid and scared.” </p><p>Pope doesn’t really know what to say, watches the other closely as he turns his attention back to the ocean. He swings his legs a little, holds the joint out for Pope to take again, but Pope shakes his head, wants to have a clear mind for this conversation even if he’s already taken a few breaths already. “I’ve wanted to apologize for so long, but I never knew what to say. My therapist went over it a few times with me, but it never seemed right. I guess I just needed to do it.”</p><p>Pope’s eyes widen in shock as he takes a moment to focus on the word therapist, wonders when this started, realizes how much JJ has grown if he is seeing a therapist, trying to work through everything. Pope knows he’s had a hard life, harder than any of them, and he’s happy JJ is getting the help he needs. </p><p>JJ turns his gaze to him then and Pope lets the shock wash away from his face, watches the emotions flicker over JJ’s face. “You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to forgive me, but I needed you to know that. I regret it everyday.” </p><p>Pope’s heart pounds against his rib cage, but he takes a moment to take a few breaths, lets the ocean wash over him as he looks at JJ, keeps eye contact with the other. He can see how much JJ means it because of the look on his face, the regret that is reflected in those blue eyes. JJ had always been a good liar, but Pope had always been able to see through the lies if he could look into those blue eyes. JJ wasn’t lying now. He was sorry. He regretted it. </p><p>Pope doesn’t say anything as he shifts. He kicks his shoes off as he shuffles to the edge of the dock. The water is cold as his feet fall into the ocean, the waves lap up and soaks the bottom of his pants. He doesn’t really care though, simply lets his leg rest against JJ’s, the first form of contact he has initiated since he came home. </p><p>“Can I ask you something?” It’s been quiet for a while, the sound of the waves washing over them. JJ doesn’t say anything, just turns and nods, eyes curious. Pope takes a moment though, swallows the lump in his throat. “Why did you do it? Why did you leave?” He leaves the me hanging there, but thinks JJ understands. </p><p>“I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by someone as good as you,” JJ answers without hesitation. </p><p>Pope’s breath catches as he watches the other. Maybe, just maybe, he’s starting to understand, starting to think they can move past this, move on.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think it is really interesting as I'm going through feedback that everyone though JJ showed up on purpose to the docks to pick Pope up when it was actually an accident that they ran into each other.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. like old times</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pope learns to forgive JJ while enjoying some time with his friends.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was supposed to be a filler chapter and it decided it wanted to be the longest and arguably the most important chapter of the fic instead. </p><p>It's probably not edited well so sorry if there are mistakes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Pope feels a bit jittery when he walks up to The Wreck. He can’t stop thinking about his conversation with JJ, the apology playing over and over again in his mind. The apology that Pope has been waiting for for three and a half years. The apology that Pope worked up so much in his head but ended up being more than he ever thought it would be. The apology that has made Pope realize that he was going to forgive JJ, maybe not today, but he would. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing out here? The food is getting cold,” Kie calls from the door, knocking Pope out of his thoughts. Pope shifts his gaze away from the sign to see Kie smiling in the door, dressed casually in jeans and a sweater, hair flowing over her shoulder, pushed back by a headband so it doesn’t fall into her eyes. Pope thinks she looks amazing for someone who is just getting off of a shift. </p><p> </p><p>Pope shoves the thoughts away, forces a smile to pull up his lips as Kie steps inside the small restaurant, Pope grabbing the door as Kie waits for him. She shoots him a smile over her shoulder as the two weave through the tables until they get to one of the tables by the windows, his friends already huddled around and munching on lunch. </p><p> </p><p>Kie takes her seat and Pope’s eyes instantly fall to the only available seat. It just so happens to be next to JJ and Pope glances back up at Kie, who shrugs as she turns her attention back to Sarah sitting on her left. </p><p> </p><p>Pope lets out a sigh as he finally turns to look at the blond, who is watching him closely. Pope gives him a small smile, tugs the chair out from the table so he can take a seat, pulling it closer so he can reach across the table for the burger he knows is his and some of the fries that John B is hogging even though there are three trays for the table. </p><p> </p><p>“Are we good?”</p><p> </p><p>Pope’s breath catches as he turns to look at JJ. The other looks nervous, fiddling with the rings on his fingers, legging shaking under the small table so much Pope’s own chair is vibrating. Pope swallows the lump in his throat, mouth suddenly dry as he speaks. </p><p> </p><p>“We will be.”</p><p> </p><p>Because that is all that Pope can give him for now. Pope isn’t ready to forgive the other completely, to simply forget about what happened between them, but he knows now that they can mend this friendship. He knows that he can forgive JJ. </p><p> </p><p>JJ seems to understand, smile pulling up his lips at the words, eyes shining. The answer is enough for JJ and Pope can’t help the way his heart pounds as he watches JJ nod and turn back to their friends. He wonders when JJ grew up so much, when the other learned not to push until someone gave in. He wonders how much he missed in those three and a half years. </p><p> </p><p>“So, Pope,” John B starts, drawing Pope’s attention from JJ to the rest of the group. “When do you have to head back to school? How long do we get to have you around?” </p><p> </p><p>Pope hadn’t planned on staying very long if he was being honest. He could move back into the dorms a week after Christmas, which is when he had planned to do so. He was taking a short week long course, but that wasn’t until the week before spring semester so he didn’t have to go back right after New Years. </p><p> </p><p>“Why? You want to get rid of me already?” Pope jokes, because he feels good, feels like he can joke around with this group again, like old times. The joke does the trick as the group laughs, John B throwing a fry in his direction that bounces off Pope’s shoulder and lands on the ground. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m just trying to figure out how long we have to torture you with our presense,” John B shoots back, but Pope can hear the little bit of insecurity in his voice and he feels a pang of guilt. He hopes John B didn’t take his trip delay the wrong way. It had nothing to do with John B, but Pope realizes it may have come off that way without his intention. </p><p> </p><p>(Pope will admit it partially had to do with JJ. Okay, it mostly had to do with JJ. He hadn’t been ready to see the other. He hadn’t been able to even work up the nerve to think about seeing the other for days before he finally decided to come and visit his friends. He hates that his avoidance of JJ could have affected his friendship with John B and Kie.)</p><p> </p><p>“It isn’t torture,” Pope reassures, because he hears the tone, wants John B to know he wants to be here even if he wasn’t great at showing it at first. Pope decides that he isn’t going to head back right after New Years, decides he needs more time with his friends. “I’m all yours for two and a half weeks after Christmas.” </p><p> </p><p>John B smiles, wide and warm as he turns his attention back to the group. There is quick talk about what they were going to do for the next two and a half weeks and Pope finds himself getting excited as they talk about boat rides, late night movies, and more surfing. </p><p> </p><p>Pope pretends he doesn’t notice when JJ’s knee presses against his under the table. </p><p> </p><p>——————————</p><p> </p><p>Pope lets out a breath as the sea rocks him back and forth. John B is standing behind the wheel of the HMS Pogue, smile wide as the breeze flows through his hair. Sarah is standing next to him, long blond hair blowing over her shoulder. JJ is seated next her, swatting at the strands as they flutter in front of his eyes with a frown. Kie is spread out next to Pope, beach towel cushioning her body and Pope’s thigh propping her head up.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you thinking about?” Kie asks, tugging her sunglasses down her nose so she can look out the top. It’s chilly on the water, but the sun is still shining down on the group, warm and inviting. It wasn’t exactly warm enough to swim today, but they piled all of the blankets from the Chateau into the boat earlier in the day so they could stay warm. </p><p> </p><p>Pope glances down at her, squinting as the sun glares off her glasses and into his eyes. He shifts back a bit, tugging his hat down so it rests just above his eyes. “I can’t believe I’m back out on the Pogue,” Pope answers honestly. He never thought John B and Sarah would be back. He never thought he would be in a good place with JJ again. He never thought he would be on this boat again with his family. It felt right. </p><p> </p><p>(He has to remind himself every time he looks at JJ that he isn’t ready to forgive him completely yet. There is still an ache in his chest when he looks at the other, still that phantom pain every time he looks at the other, but he felt like he was slowly but surely getting ready to forgive JJ completely. He couldn’t deny how happy he was right now and he knows part of that is the fact that JJ was back in his life, bright and warm like a beacon of light.)</p><p> </p><p>Kie hums in answer, pushing her glasses back up her nose and resting her hands over her stomach. She takes in a deep breath and Pope watches the smile creep up her face. “It feels pretty damn good to be back,” she comments and Pope can’t help but return the smile as he looks around at this group of misfits. </p><p> </p><p>It’s the first time since he got here that he’s felt completely relaxed. He forgot how much the ocean helped relax him, just the sound of the waves lapping at the side of the boat, the way the boat swayed back and forth and lulled him to sleep, the way he could breath in time with each lull of the ocean until his muscles relax and his breath was even. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Pope breaths. He had been so worried to come to the Outer Banks. He had been so worried and so worked up about the whole visit that he forgot about the good moments. He forgot about the nights in the Chateau drinking beer and staying up all night playing made up games. He forgot about the days they spent on the boat, swimming and hanging around all day in the warm sun. He forgot about surfing with his friends, the waves washing over him and the excitement shining on his friends faces. “It does feel pretty good.” </p><p> </p><p>Kie giggles, warm and bright as she pushes herself up. She flings her arms around his shoulders, pulls him into a warm hug. “I’m just glad you're back, even if it isn’t for good.” Pope returns the hug, letting her have her moment before she pulls back and tugs her feet up to sit criss cross on the bench, smile wide as she faces their friends. </p><p> </p><p>“So, what’s everyone planning to do with the gold?” </p><p> </p><p>Pope frowns at the question, eyebrows furrowed. They had talked about this before, when they were sixteen and stupid, when they didn’t have the concept of the life ahead of them, when they thought they could have everything. Pope isn’t even sure he remembers what he said, what he wanted when he was sixteen years old. It was probably to pay for college and help out his parents. It’s funny how that didn’t change, but he can think of so many other things to do with his money now too. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m still going full kook,” JJ smiles, holding up his bottle. He’s smiling, wide and gummy and Pope wonders how many beers that he’s had. He doesn’t look drunk, but Pope hasn’t seen him in years. Maybe his tolerance has built up. “But I’ll probably spend some money on a nice boat so I don’t have to take that shitty ferry to the mainland every fucking week.”</p><p> </p><p>Pope wonders what he is doing on the mainland every week. He wants to ask, curious, but knows it isn’t his place. They are doing better, but they weren’t that good. They were still trying to find their footing, dancing around each other awkwardly as they learned about each other all over again. </p><p> </p><p>“I think Sarah and I will travel a bit. We did explore the Bahamas while we were there. It would be pretty cool to see the rest of the world,” John B answers, glancing at Sarah, the question reflecting in his eyes. Sarah gives him a reassuring smile and nods. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll probably go to school at some point,” Sarah adds.</p><p> </p><p>Pope glances at Kie next, waiting for her to answer her own question. The breeze seems to pick up then as Kie shivers, tugging one of the blankets over herself and tossing it over Pope’s legs as she scoots closer to him for warmth. “I’d like to travel a bit too, but I’ll probably donate most of it.” Pope thinks that answer suits Kie. She’s always been passionate about the environment and he always imagined she would go about volunteering in that field. “What about you Pope?” </p><p> </p><p>There are suddenly four pairs of eyes on him and Pope feels silly. He knows he wants to spend the money on a house for himself and his parents, help his father at the shop, buy himself a car that works. He thinks he’ll save some for his children’s college tuition, but he feels like he can’t say this to the group, feels silly because they’re so young. “I’m just going to help out my parents and pay off my tuition,” Pope decides on, wants to expand, but holds back as the group nods, like they expected his answer. Pope realizes that they probably did. </p><p> </p><p>The vibration in his pocket startles him as the Chateau comes into view. It’s gotten a bit too cold to spend the night under the stars like they planned and instead they’ll be spending the night watching Netflix and drinking. Pope would have preferred the stars, hasn’t seen proper ones since he moved to Boston, but he’ll take a relaxing night with a movie as well. </p><p> </p><p>Pope shifts away from Kie, digging into his pocket as he tugs out his phone. <em> Did you see the email? </em> Flashes across his screen from Court and he frowns, clicks out of his texts and opens up his email. </p><p> </p><p>It hits him like a ton of bricks as he reads through the email, heart pounding in his chest and breath picking up. </p><p> </p><p>“Shit,” he mumbles, pushing up off the bench as he starts to pace across the boat. He can see the dock, feel his fingers shaking as he works through his phone apps until he pulls up Court’s contact. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay, man?’ JJ asks, reaches out to place a hand on his shoulder. Pope shrugs it off, doesn’t wait for the boat to stop before he steps onto the dock and hurries along, clicking the call button as he starts to pace in front of the Chateau. He ignores the calls of his friends behind him. </p><p> </p><p>Court picks up in two rings. </p><p> </p><p>“What the hell? They can’t just cancel our class,” Pope can feel his throat closing and has to take in a few deep breaths to help his heart rate settle. This cancelation was going to mess up his whole college track. It wasn’t going to be offered again until next spring, which he already had completely planned out. He couldn’t just move one of his classes. </p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t believe it when I saw the email,” Court comments, voice soft, but he can hear the worry in her words. It’s basically going to be impossible to get into another class at this point. There aren’t going to be any seats available, especially for the classes that they needed to graduate. “I’m looking at other options now.”</p><p> </p><p>Pope lets out a sigh at her words, feels a bit of the tension leave his shoulders. He can’t believe how one stupid email would cause his mood to shift so dramatically. Just moments ago he was the most relaxed he’s been in years and now he was worrying about his stupid classes. “Can you send them to me? I’m not home and it’s hard to maneuver the site on my phone.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.” Pope can hear the small smile in her words, the keyboard ringing out in the background as she types away on her computer. “I’ll send anything I find.” Pope thanks her before the two of them hang up.</p><p> </p><p>The HMS Pogue is officially docked now and Pope paces in front of the house, hands shaking and heart still pounding. He can’t help but glance at his phone even though he knows Court wouldn’t have been able to find a class that fast. The worry is settling, sitting heavy in his stomach as his friends start toward him and he suddenly wants to head out, excuse himself from the group and head home so he can look for a class. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s up? Is everything okay?” Kie asks, worry etched into her features. She reaches forward to wrap her fingers around his bicep, giving it a comforting squeeze. Pope is still pacing though, fingers tugging on his short hair as her fingers slip away. </p><p> </p><p>“My whole college plans just went down the drain because my professor cancelled one of my classes,” Pope complains. He thinks through his schedule for a moment, trying to figure out what he might be able to take, but this class was a prerequisite to two other classes and now he would have to wait till senior year to take those two. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure it will all work out,” John B tries, but Pope doesn’t really hear him. He can’t focus on his friends when his hands are shaking and he feels like his whole four year plan is cracking in front of his eyes. He can think of one class that he can take, but he’s sure it will be filled by now. </p><p> </p><p>“What to go for a bike ride?”</p><p> </p><p>Pope stops in his tracks. </p><p> </p><p>JJ’s voice is loud and clear through the haze of his mind as he turns toward the blond, wondering what the hell the other is talking about. He doesn’t understand what JJ’s bike has to do with anything. It seemed like a silly thing to bring up in this moment of panic. </p><p> </p><p>The look on his face must show his confusion because JJ continues, rubbing his neck in embarrassment. “I just- I remember it used to help you relax,” JJ mumbles, cheeks a bit pink and eyes shifting to look anywhere but at Pope. </p><p> </p><p>It clicks then, because Pope can remember all of those times on the back of JJ’s bike. He can remember feeling relaxed as he sat behind his best friend, safe despite the fact they were on something so dangerous. It had been relaxing to have the wind whipping against his face and JJ pressed against his chest. </p><p> </p><p>“I mean, I don’t have my dirt bike anymore, but I do have a motorcycle,” JJ continues. Pope watches the other shift nervously, realizes that his heart rate has gone down with just this simple distraction. </p><p> </p><p>“I think I just need to go home,” Pope explains. He needs to look through some of the classes that they’re offering and hope they’re still open. He wants to get a jump on this in hopes that it will help. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll take you.”</p><p> </p><p>Pope forgot how relaxing it was to sit behind JJ, warm and firm against him, as the wind whips across his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>—————————-</p><p> </p><p>Pope forgot what it was like to have Christmas in the Outer Banks. The kooks always went a bit crazy with decorations, spending money left and right to have the best looking house for Christmas. There are even a few houses that compete with each other each year. It was definitely a show and Pope is excited when the group piles into the Twinkie to go on a Christmas light tour on Christmas Eve. </p><p> </p><p>It instantly feels like old times as they roll down all the windows, Christmas music blaring over the speakers. John B is still in the driver's seat, one hand resting on the wheel and one clasped in Sarah’s. JJ is still on the floor, back resting against the passenger seat, smile wide. Kie is sitting across from him, laugh drowned out by the music as she reaches forward to pat Pope’s leg, who is sitting in the rundown seat behind the driver. </p><p> </p><p>The lights are impressive as they drive down the busy roads. There are full on sleighs across laws and Pope is pretty sure there is an actual person in one of them, but he can’t be too sure because the lights are too bright to get a good look at the person. There are even houses that have things like ‘merry christmas’ and ‘happy holidays’ written across the roof.</p><p> </p><p>Kie is singing next to him, face pressed to the window as JJ leans over his shoulder, a hand resting on Pope’s shoulder. Pope glances at it for a moment, heart pounding against his rib cage before he rips his gaze away so he can look out the window and watch the lights go by.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t stop thinking about the hand though.</p><p> </p><p>It’s something he’s thought about before, when Court has her own resting on his shoulder and Pope always wished, in the back of his mind, that JJ’s crooked fingers were the ones on his shoulder. Pope had always been able to convince himself that it was not a ‘love’ thing when he let those thoughts flash. It wasn’t because he loved JJ and wanted to be with him. It was because JJ was always the one who could calm him down, help him through panic attacks, make him feel accepted even on days he felt like an outcast even within their little group of friends. It was because they were best friends and he missed his best friend because he lost his best friend and the boy he loved all in the same night. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s up, man? I can see the gears turning in your head.” Pope’s thoughts are interrupted by JJ’s voice, warm and teasing next to him. Pope blinks once, twice, and finds that he’s staring at the hand on his shoulder again, watches as JJ pulls it away slowly, almost self-conscious, and Pope wants to tell him to put it back, but he swallows the comment, forces his eyes up to look into JJ’s too close blue eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing,” Pope says, but JJ furrows his brows in confusion and Pope knows he wasn’t loud enough. The Christmas music is still blaring in the background so he tries again. “Nothing. I’m just thinking about my classes.” It’s a lie, but a good one. He had only got his schedule situated when the group got to his house to pick him up. </p><p> </p><p>“Dude, you’re going to be fine. It’s Christmas! Relax for a bit and stop worrying,” JJ smiles and Pope’s breath catches at the look. Pope can’t remember JJ ever looking so happy. He can’t remember the other looking so at peace. It was like apologizing to Pope was the last thing on his list, was the last weight lifted off of his shoulders. Or maybe he was like this before Pope came, maybe he’s been happy. Pope doesn’t really know, finds that he wants to learn more about the three and a half lost years. “I have some supplies if you need a bit of help to relax.”</p><p> </p><p>Pope honestly considers it for a moment, but then he glances at the Christmas lights outside and realizes that he doesn’t need it. He just needs to take a few deep breaths, let himself admire the lights in front of him. He shakes his head in answer, catching the way the corner of JJ’s lips corks up out of the corner of his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Pope finds it easier to stay out of his head after that, watching lights flash by and laughing with his friend. They turn the music down as they head back to the Chateau and the conversation flows easily between the five people in the car. Pope even thinks Sarah fits in well even though JJ and Pope never got to know her before they left and Kie had barely been able to make up with the girl before they disappeared. </p><p> </p><p>Pope’s mouth drops when they drive up to the chateau. It’s decorated to the nines and Pope assumes John B and Sarah spent some of their gold money on these decorations because they looked like they were worth more than the little shack they were decorating. “Holy shit, I think I’m going blind,” Pope comments, voice dripping with sarcasm as he steps out of the van. </p><p> </p><p>“We went all out this year,” John B smiles, patting Pope on the back as he walks by. He turns about halfway to the door, pointing at Pope as he continues, “We went all out on dinner tonight too.” Pope laughs as he follows the other into the small house, noting the inside is decorated just as much as the outside. </p><p> </p><p>It suddenly doesn’t feel like old times anymore. </p><p> </p><p>The white garland is draped across the ceiling and entry ways, shimmering in the light from the Chiristmas lights, which are tangled in the garland. The Christmas tree in the corner is real and full, the best of the best, and full of decorations. There are even presents under the tree, wrapped tight in paper and adorned with bows. There are red bows positions strategically in the garland while the rest of the room has perfectly placed items that Pope is pretty sure is more Sarah than John B. </p><p> </p><p>This doesn’t feel like theirs though. Pope remembers when JJ would steal the smallest tree he could, one that resembled the Charlie Brown tree. They each had an ornament to place on the tree. They would sometimes manage to find a red bow somewhere to hang on the door, but that was usually it. It was always low key, but it was theirs.</p><p> </p><p>Pope doesn’t have time to dwell on the thought though because JJ is slinging an arm around his shoulders and tugging him into the small house. “Dude, the asshole kicked me out so he could decorate the place so it would be a surprise,” JJ explains, letting go of Pope as he goes over to give John B a hug. “This place is insane. Sarah has good taste.” John B scowls at the comment, glare evident as he gives JJ a playful shove. </p><p> </p><p>“I did most of it!” </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t believe you,” JJ teases and it suddenly feels like the Chateau again as the two start to go back and forth just as childish as they acted when they were teenagers. It has a fond feeling settling in Pope’s heart, smile tugging up his lips as Kie comes up next to him. </p><p> </p><p>“They never stop,” Kie smiles, shaking her head as she watches the two argue back and forth and they make their way to the kitchen. “It’s annoying as hell. I’m just happy you’re here to experience it with me.”</p><p> </p><p>Pope laughs at her words, pulling his eyes away from the pair and he turns to Kie. “I’m sorry I abandoned you for so long.” The moment is somber for a second because Pope isn’t just apologizing for taking so long to come home, but he’s also apologizing for not visiting for a year and half. Kie seems to understand as her gaze softens and she nods, leaning forward to pull him into a hug. </p><p> </p><p>“Kie!” The moment is ruined when JJ’s voice filters in from the kitchen, making said friend pull away from Pope. “John B is being mean to me!” He’s whining like Kie is their mom and she simply sighs at JJ’s words, shaking her head. </p><p> </p><p>“See what I have to deal with?” Kie laughs, making her way to the kitchen. The commotion instantly settles down when Kie’s voice echoes in the small house and Pope can’t help but laugh as he makes his way around the room to look at the decorations. </p><p> </p><p>“JJ picked that one out.” The voice startles him, heart pounding as he turns to see Sarah standing behind him. “He said something about it reminding him of you.” </p><p> </p><p>Pope glances back at the decoration, tilting his head as he takes it in. The little glass boat is covered in snow, which just seems silly because the boat wouldn’t be in the water if it was snowing. There are little detailed red garlands hanging off the edge of the boat and little lights that actually work wrapped around the steering wheel. The two people sitting at the end of the boat are smiling, laughing and Pope notes that it seems to be two males wrapped up in blankets and suddenly his heart is pounding as he takes in the scene as a whole, realizing what it actually means. </p><p> </p><p>Sarah is still standing behind him as he turns away from the decoration, breath heavy as he tries to suck air into his lung. The sight of the other has him working hard to take in deep breaths, control his breathing. “I think I need a drink,” he comments. Sarah gives him a confused look, but doesn’t push as she steps aside to let him walk past. </p><p> </p><p>But JJ is there, blond hair falling into his eyes as he nearly runs into Pope in the doorway. Pope’s breath catches as he looks at the other, his hands shaking as he catches those blue eyes with his own. </p><p> </p><p>“Mistletoe!”</p><p> </p><p>Pope’s eyes widen in shock at John B’s words, glancing up to see the offending object hanging in the doorway. He feels his heart pick up instantly as he turns his attention back to JJ, opening his mouth to say something, but snapping it closed when the words get stuck in his throat. He wants to say that he can’t do this, he has a girlfriend that he loves, but JJ is looking at him with shining eyes and Pope can’t get the word out. </p><p> </p><p>JJ raises an eyebrow as he watches Pope, smile faltering a moment as he takes the other in. “He’s joking, Pope,” JJ reassures and Pope can’t help the way his heart stutters as his name tumbles out of those lips. The name has always flowed so well out of JJ’s mouth and he rarely uses it. </p><p> </p><p>“Like hell I am,” John B calls and Pope watches JJ glare at him before he turns back to Pope. Pope can feel his heart pounding in his chest, watches the way JJ’s eyes flicker to his lips, but the other doesn’t lean in to press their lips together. Instead, he reaches forward, hands low on Pope’s neck and presses a kiss just along his jaw and Pope instantly flashes back to midsummers all those years ago when JJ took the fall for him and it makes Pope’s heart ache.</p><p> </p><p>JJ pats his cheek gently before he pulls away, smile on his lips and laugh echoing in the room. “Happy now, JB?” JJ tears his gaze away from Pope to glare at John B, moving away from him as he goes to shove John B playfully again. </p><p> </p><p>Pope stands there for a moment as he processes.</p><p> </p><p>(He hates himself in that moment because he wanted JJ to kiss him, wanted to feel those lips on his again, wanted an excuse to kiss JJ one last time. He hates himself because he loves Court so much and he forgot about her in that moment, looking into those blue, blue eyes. He hates himself because he thinks he is ready to forgive JJ completely and he doesn’t know what that means. He hates when he doesn’t know what things mean. He hates when he can’t sort out his own feelings.)</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the night goes along normally, but Pope finds his mind drifting more than he’d like. </p><p> </p><p>—————————-</p><p> </p><p>The storm rolls in two days after Christmas.</p><p> </p><p>They’re out on the boat when fat droplets of rain start to fall from the sky. The dark clouds have been threatening them all day, but the lack of rain had them pushing the limits. It ended with them taking ten minutes to get back to the Chateau in a boat practically filled with water. The five hurry out when they finally hit the side of the dock, the girls running toward the house, Pope moving to tie the boat to the dock, and JJ and John B get it ready for what looks like a terrible rain storm. They probably should have taken the boat out of the water completely, but the tarp is big enough to pull over the sides and JJ and John B manage to secure it before the three hurry into the house after the girls. </p><p> </p><p>“I think we need to invest in a boat cover,” John B comments, shaking his hair out and flinging water droplets across the room. Pope frowns when one lands in his eye, moving to rub when the salt water stings. “Or a lift with a cover.” </p><p> </p><p>“That’s coming out of your portion of the gold,” JJ comments, hand running through his blond locks to shake out some of the water. He steps forward before he pivots to face John B. “It’s your boat.” John B simply rolls his eyes at the comment, shirt already up and over his head as he chucks it at JJ. The other laughs, swatting at the shirt before he takes a few steps back toward the hall. Pope notes that no one suggests they replace the HMS Pogue altogether. “I’m getting changed. Pope, you want something dry to change into?” </p><p> </p><p>Pope’s eyes snap up to meet JJ’s because that is a rabbit hole he doesn’t want to go down, but his pants are so heavy they’re basically falling off his hips and his shirt is clinging to him awkwardly. It wasn’t exactly warm in the house either because it lacked a heating system so he’ll be sitting in wet clothes for the rest of the night if he didn’t take JJ up on his offer. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Pope answers, instantly regretting it when JJ’s lips quirk up into that little smile that makes Pope’s heart beat fast. Pope hates his body for the way it reacts to JJ. He curses his stupid heart for pounding at something as stupid as that. There was no reason for his heart to do such a stupid thing. </p><p> </p><p>JJ simply turns on his heels and Pope is thankful because he doesn’t know if his over thinking is showing on his face, but he thinks it might be because John B is looking at him funny with his eyebrows raised in a questioning way. Pope doesn’t say anything though, simply shakes his head as he moves to tug his own soaked shirt over his head. He’s thankful when John B doesn’t push further, simply heads to his own bedroom to get changed. </p><p> </p><p>Pope is kicking off his shoes when Kie walks out of John B’s room with a frown on her lips and a disgusted look in her eyes. She spares John B’s room one last glance and Pope simply laughs when she turns to look at him, horror on her face. “Those two are so fucking gross,” she comments, joining Pope in his laughing. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re just jealous Kie!” filters through the door, followed by Sarah’s soft laugh and the sound of kissing, much louder than it was only moments before. Pope figures they’re simply playing it up to annoy Kie more, but she doesn’t acknowledge the little quip as she rolls her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you have clothes to change into? I don’t think sitting around in those wet clothes is a good idea,” Kie asks, looking the other up and down with a frown. It’s in the moment that JJ comes out in a pair of pajama pants and a short cotton shirt that is free of holes. He’s holding an outfit for Pope in his hands, but pauses in the door when their eyes meet. </p><p> </p><p>Pope watches the way the other’s blue eyes seem to shift in color, darker than Pope’s ever seen them before. He doesn’t miss the way those eyes flicker down to Pope’s bare chest, instantly snapping back up to meet Pope’s eyes. He watches the way JJ swallows, feels his own throat closing as JJ finally starts toward him, holds the extra pair of pajamas out for him to take. “Here you go.” Is his voice deeper than before? </p><p> </p><p>Kie clears her throat next to them and Pope instantly steps back, foot catching on the leg of the table as he tumbles to the ground. He groans when his elbow makes contact with the edge of the table before his butt can even make contact with the ground. It only takes a moment to find Kie standing in front of him, frown on her lips, but eyebrow raised in question. Pope doesn’t acknowledge her as he pushes himself off the ground, brushes off JJ’s worried hand as he hurries into the bathroom to get changed. </p><p> </p><p>He leans over the sink the second the door closes behind him and wonders what the hell is going on. What was JJ doing? What was that look? Pope couldn’t handle that look. He couldn’t let himself think about it, couldn’t admit to himself how much he enjoyed it. It’s the first time in so long that he felt truly wanted and he hates himself for it. </p><p> </p><p>(Because Court is sitting at home and he loves her so much. He likes spending time with her and being with her and knows she wants him there, wants to hang out with him, and hold his hand, and kiss him. She’s never left him.)</p><p> </p><p>Pope lets himself take in a few deep breaths, closes his eyes as he tries to steady his breathing, but the look in JJ’s eyes flashes and he snaps them open instantly, cursing himself as he sucks air into his lung. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but he doesn’t like it. He didn’t want it to happen. He had a perfectly good life before he came back here and he was going to get back to it. He wasn’t going to let JJ uproot his life. </p><p> </p><p>The Pogues are all lying around the room when he finally exits the bathroom in warm, dry clothes. He’s thankful JJ even grabbed him a dry pair of socks because his toes are cold as he glides across the floor in them. He can feel the goosebumps on his arms as he glances around his group of friends, frowning when he realizes the only seat is the one next to JJ. </p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t dwell on it, or at least he tries not to dwell on it, as he plops onto the couch, hyper aware when JJ’s knee bumps his. Pope shifts away from the other, swallows the lump in his throats as he glances around at his friends with a questioning look. The group is oddly silent, like Pope walked in on some big secret.</p><p> </p><p>“We were just trying to figure out what to do,” Kie fills in the silence, but Pope doesn’t know if he believes her. The tension in the room is weird, but Pope tries to ignore it as he nods for her to continue. “Um, we were thinking that floor is lava game.” </p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t that a kids game?” And oddly random if Pope was being honest. It was like she blurted out the first thing that came to mind, which only makes Pope more suspicious. </p><p> </p><p>“Not if you add beer. Whoever falls off has to drink,” John B adds and Pope furrows his brows, but shrugs. He doesn’t get the whole vibe in the room, but he plans on grilling Kie later so he figures he can move past it for now, or at least try. He’s sure the beer will help. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Pope agrees. The other four exchange a look before John B shoots out of his chair and hurries into the kitchen. He comes out with two cases of beer, placing one in front of JJ, like that is only for him, and starts to pass out the rest before placing the case in the middle of the group. He stands awkwardly for a second before Sarah pops out of her chair. </p><p> </p><p>“If you fall, you drink,” she starts, using the bottle opener before she tosses the bottle cap onto the table. John B takes the bottle opener so he can open his own as she continues. “Um, we can’t move the furniture and can’t go backwards.” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh!” Kie jumps up, nearly spilling her newly opened bottle. Pope reaches for the opener when JJ offers it to him. “If you're on a big object, like the couch, you have five seconds to move. The couch is too easy.” This is probably the silliest thing Pope has ever heard. Pope doesn’t understand why his friends are acting so weird. </p><p> </p><p>“Anything else?” John B questions, taking a swing of his beer. The group all shakes their heads and suddenly John B is counting down. “3, 2, 1, up!” The room moves in a blur as Pope jumps up onto the couch, noting that JJ does the same. Kie steps up onto the worn arm chair while Sarah and John B each take one of the kitchen chairs they pulled in earlier. </p><p> </p><p>“Five seconds!” Kie shouts and it takes Pope a moment to realize she’s talking about the couch so he moves to step forward and slips when he steps on a pieces of paper, falling backwards onto the couch, but his foot touches the floor and after the group seems to realize that he’s fine, Kie smiles, “Drink!” Pope rolls his eyes - because of course he is the first to fall - before he takes a long sip of his beer. The group cheers and Pope moves to stand on the coffee table properly, hoping the old wood won’t fall apart under his weight.</p><p> </p><p>Pope is surprised by how much his friends fall, but he thinks they may be doing it on purpose because they want to get drunk. It really wouldn’t surprise him in the least. He may take a step or two on the floor just so he can have another sip of his beer to help ease some of the tension in his shoulders any time JJ gets a little too close to him. It definitely isn’t the best coping mechanism, but it is the only one working right now, especially as JJ steps onto the kitchen chair, feet hanging off the edge and chest pressing to Pope’s. The chair wasn’t exactly meant for two grown men. </p><p> </p><p>Pope moves to take his turn, but the room is blurring just a bit and he’s a little wobbly as he moves to step toward the couch. He feels his weight shift back too much, but doesn’t catch himself fast enough to get his foot firmly back in place. JJ does though, reaches out and wraps his fingers around Pope’s arm until he steadies him. Pope swallows the lump in his throat when he meets those blue eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Why don’t you seem drunk?” he asks after a moment. The other’s cheeks aren’t pink with the warmth that comes along with drinking alcohol and Pope vividly remembers admiring the pink on JJ’s cheeks every time he had a few drinks in him in the past. Plus, the other had barely fallen to the ground and by now the group was a fumbling mess that ended up on the floor more often than not. </p><p> </p><p>“Because I’m not,” JJ answers, like it is the most obvious thing in the world, like Pope should know. Pope doesn’t know though. Pope is confused because JJ would take any chance to get drunk when they were teenagers. This was an easy excuse. </p><p> </p><p>“Why not?” He can hear the little slur to his words, his fingers loose on the bottle. JJ seems to notice though because he reaches forward to take the bottle, disposing of it on the little coffee table before he places his hand back on Pope’s arm. It has a spark shooting up his arm.</p><p> </p><p>“Because I don’t drink.” The way he says it is so casual, like the sky is blue, or Pope is studying forensic pathology. </p><p> </p><p>“What?” He isn’t really digging for JJ to explain himself, but doesn’t object when JJ starts talking again. He’s pretty sure the shock is showing on his face though because his normal filter is fuzzy with beer. </p><p> </p><p>“I stopped drinking a few months ago. I had a rough go of it and ended up in the hospital when Kie found me. It took a while after that, but I managed to cut it out,” JJ explains and suddenly Pope wishes he was sober. He wants to ask more, hear more about JJ’s life. He feels like he vaguely remembers Kie mentioning that JJ wasn’t drinking anymore, that he was getting help, but he had been so adamant on avoiding all things JJ that he hadn’t paid close enough attention. </p><p> </p><p>“What are you drinking?” Because his mind is hazy and he doesn’t want to have this conversation like this. He wants to remember everything about JJ, wants to know everything about the last three years.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s this weird ginger beer. It isn’t great, but it does the trick.” </p><p> </p><p>The room suddenly isn’t moving anymore as JJ smiles at him, wide, but a little nervous along the edges. Pope meets his blue, blue eyes and sees the resolve in them, sees something he can’t place, isn’t sure he wants too. This is just another item to add to his growing list of reasons that JJ has grown up. </p><p> </p><p>Pope has a sudden realization then, staring into those blue, shining eyes. </p><p> </p><p>The JJ in front of him is not the JJ who broke his heart all those years ago. It wasn’t the JJ who disappeared from his life and ran away at any sign of Pope. It isn’t the JJ who was wild and unpredictable. This JJ was grown up. This JJ wasn’t carrying around the weight of the world any more, had passed it off and brushed the dirt off his shoulders. This JJ was someone who has worked long and hard to get where he is today, to work through his trauma and overcome his disadvantages in life. This JJ is grown up and mature without losing the love and passion he had as a teenager. </p><p> </p><p>Pope suddenly realizes as he gets lost in those blue  eyes that he forgives the other, that it’s time to move on and move past this. “We’re good,” he says before he can stop the words. It’s a reference back to the question from The Wreck only days ago, when JJ looked at him with so much hope. It’s a simple <em> I forgive you </em> as Pope watches JJ. </p><p> </p><p>JJ’s smile is so bright as he leans forward to wrap his arms around Pope’s waist, pull him closer, bury his face in Pope’s neck. Pope hugs him back, feels like a weight has lifted off his own shoulders as he holds this boy in his arms for the first time in three and a half years. </p><p> </p><p>(He knows they hugged on the pier, but this was different. This didn’t hold the same awkward tensions between the two of them. This didn’t hold the years of building regret and heartache. This didn’t hold all of the pain that JJ put him through. This held all of the joy that JJ brought into his life.)</p><p> </p><p>JJ pulls away after a long moment and Pope suddenly wants to lunge forward and take the other in his arms. He doesn’t though, catches himself when his eyes glance down at JJ’s lips. He steps off the chair before he can do anything stupid, before he can lean forward and connect their lips like some idiot. He’s a little drunk though and doesn’t trust himself right now, reminds himself that he has a girlfriend, that this was never going to happen. </p><p> </p><p>“I think it’s time to head home,” Pope announces after he clears his throat. The other three have gone about chatting on the other side of the room. He forgot they were even there when he was talking to JJ. “It doesn’t look like it’s going to rain again.” </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want a ride?” Kie asks. Pope glances at JJ then, catches his eyes before he rips his gaze away. </p><p> </p><p>“No. I think I need to clear my head,” he explains and Kie nods because she knows.</p><p> </p><p>Pope’s a little drunk, but he finds himself sobering up as he pulls his still wet shoes onto his feet and tucks his wallet and phone into his pockets. He notes that he has a few texts from Court which he figures he can answer later when he’s sobered up enough to control his stupid mind better. </p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t expect to stumble into his house to find Court standing with his parents in the middle of the living room. He thinks his drunk mind might be playing tricks on him for a moment.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Pope is confused.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. surprise, surprise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Court disrupts the status quo.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was honestly very hard to write because Court messed up the pogue's dynamic so much. It left me a little frustrated while I was writing this and I honestly didn't think I was going to have it finished for today. If there are a lot of mistakes, it's because I really only just finished it and gave it a quick read through. I do hope you enjoy nonetheless.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Pope sucks in a breath when he sees Court standing in the middle of his living room. She has a smile on her lips, warm and happy. This is obviously supposed to be her big surprise, the Christmas present she had been talking about, but it simply causes panic to settle in Pope’s stomach as he tries to process the fact that his girlfriend was standing in front of him. It definitely isn’t helping that he’s still drunk so his mind is a bit fuzzy right now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honey, you didn’t tell us how lovely Courtney is. She came all this way to surprise you for Christmas.” Pope hears his mother’s voice, distant as he tries to bring himself back, quell the panic surging through his system. He can feel his fingers shaking as he sucks in a breath. He can’t do this now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know she was coming.” It isn’t really a reply to his mother’s statement, but more of a fact he throws out there as he tries to work through this situation in his head. There were still two weeks of vacation left, two more weeks he had planned on being here, and he was sure she was planning on staying those two weeks, and now he was just trying to figure out how he was going to keep her away from the pogues for those two weeks. He didn’t need his two worlds colliding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want them to collide. If he kept them separate, away from each other, he could simply compartmentalize. He could forget about his life in Outer Banks, tan skin, blond hair and bright smile, when he was with Court, tucked away safely in his dorm room at Harvard. He could pretend he wasn’t living a double life if he could keep them apart, pretend that they didn’t influence each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this was his two worlds colliding, crashing in a fiery haze right in front of his eyes. He knows he won’t be able to get out of introducing her to the pogues. He knows they’ll have questions. He doesn’t even know if the guys know about Court. It hasn’t come up yet in their conversations about murder charges and 400mil in gold. He also doesn’t know if Kie has mentioned it before. Pope is sure she spends most of her free time with JJ but he isn’t sure if she’s let it slip. Fuck. He was starting to panic again and the alcohol is only making it worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court seems to notice, steps toward him to slip her arm around his waist. She pulls him closer to her and Pope instinctively lets his arm drape over her shoulder. “I came to surprise Pope. I figured he could show me around his home town and we could drive back together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well, she figured wrong. This was a shitty present. “Oh, I’m so happy you came,” Pope’s mother interjects. She surges forward to pull Court away from him and pull her into a hug. Pope’s breath is still too heavy. “I’m so excited to meet you. I’m sure Pope is just in shock. This is such a wonderful surprise.” Yes, Pope was in shock. Shit. Pope forgot Court hadn’t officially met his parents yet. He was pretty sure a quick introduction over FaceTime didn’t count. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope forces himself to nod at his mother’s words, accepting Court’s hand when she holds it out to him. He uses the other one to tap against his collarbone a few times, trying to ground himself as he steps closer to his parents. “Yeah,” he manages, voice thick as he swallows around the lump in his throat. “I’m just shocked you showed up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiles at him, in that warm way that always makes him feel a little better, and Pope lets out a breath. He can do this. He can make his two worlds work. He wasn’t such a screw up that he couldn’t work with this. “I’m so excited to meet your friends.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope nods even though he doesn’t agree. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope sleeps on the couch. He has a kink in his neck, an ache in his back and a bit of a headache the next morning. He brings a hand up to his neck, groaning as he tries to rub some of the pain out. He thinks about how he is going to have to sleep on the uncomfortable couch (let’s face it, the couch is older than him) for two more weeks because of a surprise he didn’t even want. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court catches his attention as she comes down the stairs, looking nothing less than perfect as her hair falls over her shoulder. She’s wearing shorts, which Pope thinks is crazy, and a bathing suit under her crop top. He wonders if she realizes that it’s winter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She frowns when she notices him, “Does your neck hurt?” He nods, frowning when gentle, delicate fingers press into his shoulders. He tenses at the touch, wondering why he craves something else, someone else, with more rings and broader fingers. He has to shake the thought from his mind, forcing his muscles to relax at her touch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that better?” She asks, smile on her lips. Pope nods and leans forward to peck her lips. “What’s on the agenda today? I’m so excited to meet your friends.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It seems fake, if Pope is being honest. He’s barely talked about anyone other than Kie and he’s never mentioned JJ. He doesn’t want Court to meet JJ, see that part of his life. That was a whole story he never wanted to get into, there were pieces of that story that Kie didn’t even know. He knows he can’t get out of it though. He agreed to meet his friends in a few hours and promised Kie he wouldn’t skip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually, I’m meeting them for lunch at The Wreck. Kie’s family owns it,” he explains, letting Court take his hand, lacing their fingers together. That’s when his mother decides to make an appearance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’s smiling at them knowingly and he can see how happy she is. It makes him ache, wonder if she would be this happy if it wasn’t Court, beautiful and female. It doesn’t matter though, because Court was the one here. She was going to be the one here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Morning, Ma,” he says, small smile pulling up his lips when she presses a kiss to his cheek. He’s missed this, missed his parents. He hadn’t seen them since last Christmas and it had been a short visit, barely enough time to enjoy their company before they were turning around to leave the next day. FaceTime was not a good substitute for actually hugging them. He can’t believe he actually missed that, teenage Pope would think he was crazy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honey, are you going to see your friends today?” She asks, curious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we’re getting lunch at The Wrech,” Pope answers. She hums, turning her attention to Court. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like to help me for a bit?” Pope looks at Court, knows she’ll say yes, but she glances at him first, questioning and he nods, shrugging his shoulders before she turns her attention back to his mother and agrees. She smiles, warm and bright before leading her to the kitchen. Pope isn’t sure what they’re doing, but he ends up pulling out some of his school notes and studying until it’s time to visit his friends. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so that’s what they do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope drives. Court’s window is open despite the fact it’s nearly 50 degrees. She looks peaceful, sucking in deep breaths of fresh air, eyes close as the wind blows her hair around. Pope reaches over, grabs her hand, gives it a squeeze. She turns to look at him, smile on her lips, light and gentle before she turns back to the window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope texts Kie when they’re outside. He figures he should warn someone about Court’s arrival and he knows Kie hadn’t been too keen about meeting Court in the first place, hadn’t wanted her to ruin the dynamic between the five of them. But Pope has no other choice as he pushes his car door open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kie is standing outside, sunglasses perched in her nose as she looks around. She catches sight of him easily and Pope can see the frown pulling down her lips as she starts toward them. “Can I talk to you for a second, Pope?” She doesn’t even acknowledge Court as she takes his wrist, pulling him around to the back of the store. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smacks his arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell were you thinking?” She whispers, but it feels more like she’s yelling at him right now. He frowns at her, rubbing his arm as he searches her face. He expected her to be annoyed, but not this mad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t have another choice! She showed up to surprise me. She wanted to meet my family and friends,” Pope argues. He’s still annoyed at her showing up, but he doesn’t need Kie to know that. She’ll give him hell if she knows he doesn’t want her here either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you just send her away?” And okay, Kie was being really harsh right now. She hadn’t even met Court yet and she was already asking her to leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell, Kie? You’re being mean. She didn’t do anything wrong. What’s your problem?” And Kie sighs, shoulders shagging and fingers running through her hair. She brushes it out of her face, frown deep as she finally looks at him, meets his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about JJ?” she asks, searching. Pope furrows his brows, trying to figure out where this is coming from. He was friends with JJ. They had patched things up and moved on. He didn’t know what else she could be talking about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(But he does know. JJ always sits a little too close to him, always presses their knees together when they sit or drapes his arm across the back of the couch when Pope is sitting next to him. He always makes Pope laugh, warm and bright, just like he did when they were teenagers. JJ will go out of his way when he notices Pope getting anxious, distract him without having a clue, like it was just instinct. JJ was just there and Pope never missed the longing looks, but has convinced himself he was only seeing things.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, I know there’s something there.” Pope’s shocked, because Kie knows he has a girlfriend, knew long before they got back together as a group. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answers. He can hear JJ saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>deny deny deny</span>
  </em>
  <span> as the words leave his lips. But Kie gives him this look and Pope knows he isn’t going to get out of this. He sighs, eyes shifting to see where Court is. She’s safely leaning against her car, phone in hand. “Look, I love Court and I don’t know what you think you’re seeing between JJ and I, but there is nothing there. There won’t ever be anything there.” The fact he even made up with JJ after everything that happened is still hard for him to believe sometimes. He never really thought they’d be friends again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(He ignores the fact that his chest aches at his denial. He knows deep down that it was a blatant lie and he could tell by the look on Kie’s face that she knew it was a lie too. It was a lie that Pope would keep telling himself for the rest of his life though, a lie that he was going to make the truth at one point or another.) </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kie frowns at his words, eyes narrowed as she takes him in. Apparently, she doesn’t like what she sees, because she lets out a disappointed sigh. “Okay. I’ll leave it be.” Pope hears a tone though, knows she won’t really, but he doesn’t push because Kie continues. “Now introduce me to Court. I probably seem like an ass since I dragged you away.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope chuckles, grabbing Kie’s hand to pull her toward the other. He pauses though, eyes wide when he notices JJ standing in front of Court. They’re in a full blown conversation, John B and Sarah standing off to the side as they talk amongst themselves. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, there’s my boyfriend now,” Court smiles when she catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of her eyes. Pope is looking at JJ though, watching the realization flash across his face, watching the pain flash in his deep blue eyes. It makes Pope’s heart ache, Kie’s hand the only thing pulling him out of his trance as the other tugs them along. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope shuffles up to his girlfriend, dropping Kie’s hand so he can grab Court’s. He misses the comfort of his friend though as he turns to the group. “Ah, yeah guys, this is Court. She flew in last night to surprise me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kie is the first to step forward, smile on her lips. “Nice to finally meet you in person.” She extends her hand and Court takes it, eyes bright. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know! FaceTime does not do you justice. You’re gorgeous.” Kie’s eyes widen in shock as Court pulls her into a hug, but she recovers quickly, wrapping her arms around the girl. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, you too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Pope is looking at JJ again, watching as the other processes this new information. “Finally? How long have you guys been together?” JJ asks, and Pope’s heart pounds. He hates it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a little over a year. We met at orientation,” she answers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, so you go to Harvard?” Pope swears he hears sadness in JJ’s tone, like he felt like he was less than her, like it all made sense now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we’re both on the medical track. I’m planning on becoming a doctor.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow. That’s impressive,” JJ says and Pope can hear the insecurity in his voice. It’s something Pope hasn’t heard in a long time. “I’m JJ, by the way, it’s nice to meet you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court furrows her brows, confusion clear on her face as she glances at Pope. Pope has never mentioned JJ before, tucked the memories and heartache of the other deep in his heart, buried so no one would find them. She doesn’t say anything though as she reaches out to take his hand. “You too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope swallows the lump in his throat as their hands drop. “You got yourself a good one, man,” JJ smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, always so bright when he’s truly happy. JJ claps him on the shoulder as he passes. Pope has to take in a breath to calm his heart beat, skin still tingling where JJ’s hand was pressed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—————————-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court is polite and easy to talk to so it isn’t a surprise that the conversation flows pretty well between the group. Kie and Sarah are particularly involved, making sure she’s included in the conversation and Pope thinks they’re happy to finally have someone new in the group. John B sits next to Sarah and adds commentary every once and a while but he isn’t too engaged in the conversation. He keeps shooting glances at JJ, who hasn’t spoken much since the initial meeting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They somehow end up at the Chateau. Pope isn’t really sure how because his mind won’t shut up enough for him to listen to the conversation happening right in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope doesn’t say anything when they are situated around the small living room. He can feel the anxiety creep into his chest, up his throat. He’s still next to Court as she talks to his friends, but he can’t take his eyes off of JJ. The other is sitting on the other side of the living room and Pope can see the hurt in those blue eyes. JJ has always been good at covering how much he’s hurting, but Pope knows him so well, can see the flicker in his blue eyes as JJ watches Court closely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“JJ,” Court starts. Pope’s eyes widen in shock as he turns his attention to Court. She’s smiling sweetly and she has no clue what is happening. She has no clue that JJ is hurting and that it’s because of Pope. She has no idea that Pope’s heart aches as he watches the other in a way that Pope hates himself for. He hates that he’s annoyed Court showed up and made his two worlds collide. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope can’t breathe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He worked so hard to keep his two lives separate. He worked so hard to forget about the Outer Banks and forget about JJ only for it to all come crashing down, causing his throat to close, choking the air out of him. The group doesn’t seem to notice the panic that has his hands shaking on his lap. He’s quick to pull them away, tuck them under his thighs. He shifts his gaze toward the coffee table as he sucks in a deep breath, feels his heart rate pick up. He hates his body right now. He hates his mind, trapped between two worlds that are both burning down in a fiery haze. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ notices though. JJ always notices. Pope hates that JJ always notices. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to get some fresh air,” JJ says to the group, ignoring Court’s call for his attention. He turns toward Pope, reaches a hand out for a moment, only to catch himself and drop it to his side. “Want to come?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope looks up at him with wide eyes. He shouldn’t go, but his body moves on it’s own as he pushes off the couch. He doesn’t even spare the group a glance as they hurry out the front door and down toward the dock. He breathes in a deep breath of salty ocean air, letting it relax his shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t seem to steady his breathing though and he can still feel his heart pounding in his chest. It just causes him to sink further into his thoughts, realize how stupid this was. What kind of boyfriend didn’t want their girlfriend to meet their friends? What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be happy to have all of the people he loved in one place together? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ocean air isn’t doing it anymore as he sinks down, lets his feet hang over the edge of the dock and lets his head fall into his hands. They aren’t very far from the door and Pope is sure they can see them, but he can’t seem to get his body to do what he wants so he tries not to focus on that part. There are plenty of other things to cause him panic in this moment anyway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, a few months ago,” JJ starts and Pope turns his attention to the other for a moment. JJ is sitting next to him now, blue eyes looking over the water. He doesn’t meet Pope’s eyes as he continues. “I was watching this show. I don’t even remember what it was called, but it was some crime show or something. I don’t know. Anyway, there was this dead body they found in a alley and it was so stupid. It wasn’t realistic at all. What did you always say?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope blinks for a moment, sucks in a breath before he answers. “They’d be shitting and farting up a storm,” he mutters, breath catching when JJ turns toward him with the brightest smile ever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The alley was pristine! It was too clean even for a back alley nonetheless an alley with a dead body! It was ridiculous,” JJ explains enthusiastically and Pope chuckles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re never realistic in shows or movies,” Pope agrees. It’s in the moment he realizes that his heart rate has slowed down. It isn’t that it’s gone down completely, but that short distraction has allowed him to catch his breath, take his mind off all of the shit happening right now. This was something he liked talking about, liked studying and JJ knew that. JJ knew he needed to get out for a second, to have a distraction to allow himself to get out of his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(JJ has always done that though. Pope would get himself worked up over school and JJ would pull his attention away, do something silly to distract Pope from his worries. He would pull Pope away when his hands started to shake, take them in his own and just breathe with him, moment quiet because that was what Pope needed in that moment. JJ always knows what he needs whether it was a moment of silly, a story, or a moment of quiet.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” John B knocks the two out of their little world, one that is just them, as he holds the door open for the girls. They file out quickly, Court making her way to Pope as he pushes himself off the ground. “We’re heading to the beach. You losers coming?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ is up, smile wide as he follows after John B. He steals the keys when John B isn’t paying attention and hopes into the front seat of the van. John B is arguing behind him, but doesn’t seem to mind slipping into the back seat with Sarah, Kie joining JJ in the front. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you guys coming?” Kie calls. She’s standing on the edge of the door, head popping up over the top of the van. Pope and Court are standing near the van, Court’s hand somehow found it’s way into Pope’s and she gives it a squeeze. Pope glances at her in question and she nods with a smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll catch up with you!” Pope calls and Kie nods, hoping down and slamming the door closed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope shifts, taking a step forward toward the car, but Court stops him, holds him in place. He turns back to meet her gaze with a confused look of his own. “Are you okay?” Court asks, eyes soft. She has this little smile on her lips, nervous and caring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks for a moment. “Yeah, I’m good,” he answers, gaze shifting to the blond in the driver's seat of the Twinkie. He’s laughing at something Kie said as he starts the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he glances back at Court she’s giving him a funny look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—————————-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope frowns when he steps up to John B’s front door, Court’s hand held firmly in his. It’s been going pretty well. The group seems to like Court, but she’s easy to like. She’s kind and generous. She’s everything that Pope could want, but then blue eyes flash and that grin that can light up a room and Pope has to remind himself that he loves the girl next to him, plans to spend the rest of his life with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready for a Pogue party?” Pope asks, smile tugging up his lips. The pair of them don’t go to a lot of parties on campus and most were small get-togethers with their friends. They usually involved a lot more conversation and a lot less alcohol. He doesn’t know what Court expects, but he’s sure she won’t expect this even if this was going to be tame compared to the keggers they used to throw in high school. “They tend to get pretty wild.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that your definition of wild or dorm party definition of wild?” Court teases, lips pressed together in a teasing smile. Pope likes the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles. It makes his heart swell with happiness. Pope focuses on that feeling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since it’s only the Pogues not a full on dorm party, but it will definitely be wild,” Pope tells her. He ends up thinking about JJ in that moment, always the life of the party. Was it going to be as wild since JJ doesn’t drink now? He wasn’t sure if half the stuff JJ used to do was just JJ or the alcohol or cannabis coursing through him. “It’s definitely going to be different from the parties we go to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The smile on Court’s lips simply grows and Pope sends a soft one back, startled when the front door slams open. Court startles at the sound, free hand moving to her heart as she starts wide eyed at JJ. “You guys know the party is inside, right?” he asks and there is this weird bite to his words, this weird bitterness that Pope has never heard before. He furrows his brows in confusion, but JJ gives no explanation. He simply steps aside and lets Court pull Pope into the house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Christmas decorations are down, replaced by silver and gold themed New Years decorations. The decorations are just as extravagant as the Christmas ones, signs and postered up everywhere. There is even a banner that reads Happy New Year along the wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow, this looks amazing,” Court whispers, looking around the room in awe. Her eyes are round with wonder and Pope can’t help the smile that pulls up his lips at her happiness. She ends her glance around the room by throwing her arms around Pope’s neck, giggling as he wraps his arms around her waist. “I’m so excited that I got to visit you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s the first time, holding Court, that Pope can genuinely say that he is happy she visited. It’s the first time it feels normal between them as he presses his lips to her cheek, smile fond as she pulls away from him to peck his lips. “I’m really happy you came too.” This time it isn’t a lie when he says it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The problem is that he pulls away and catches a glimpse of JJ’s frown. The rest of his face is blank though, arms crossed over his chest, bottle hanging from his fingers. Pope watches the way the hurt flashes across his face, watches the ache that he can see in his eyes, because Pope recognizes it from looking at his own face, after JJ ran away from him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope tries not to focus on it, pulls his gaze away from JJ so he can look into Court’s dark eyes, lighting up with her smile. “Do you want a drink?” he asks. Court nods and Pope goes in search of something for Court to drink. She isn’t a big beer fan so he’s happy when he opens the fridge and sees a few bottles of wine, thankful for Sarah’s influence in the group’s alcohol choices. He grabs one of the glasses on the counter and pops the bottle open, pouring some for Court. He ends up pouring himself a glass as well before he makes his way back to the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court is standing in the middle of the room, chatting happily with JJ. The other looks like he’s trying not to smile, but the corner of his lips is pulled up. Court is the type of person who can win over anyone with her kindness and it seemed like this was no exception. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope slides up beside her, holding the glass out for her to take. She gives him a soft smile when she takes it, holding it up to her lips to take a sip. “We were just talking about surfing,” she explains, turning her attention back to JJ. He goes on explaining what’s in the perfect wave, bottle held firmly in his hands as he swings his arms to signify a wave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pope hasn’t taken you surfing yet?” JJ asks once he’s finished explaining the perfect waves. Court frowns, shaking her head in answer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He hasn’t, but I’d love to learn at some point.” She shifts her gaze to Pope, questioning. Pope shoots her a smile and nods his head. He’d definitely be willing to teach her at some point, even if he wasn’t sure if he’d be a good teacher. JJ would be better, but that wasn’t an option. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take you when it gets warmer at home,” Pope smiles, turning his attention back to JJ. The other looks hurt as he watches Pope, frown pulling down his lips. Pope furrows his brows, thinks back over his words and realizes what caused this reaction. The word home slipped past his lips without thinking but he’s been thinking of Boston as his home for a year and a half now, hasn’t considered The Outer Banks as his home since JJ left his room in the middle of the night and broke his heart. It didn’t really matter how much time he spent with the pogues, this wasn’t his home anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope is thankful the conversation is cut short when Kie comes barreling into the small living room, arms full of booze and food. “My dad gave me a bunch of leftovers!” Kie cheers. JJ’s attention is instantly drawn away as he makes grabby hands for the food. Kie laughs as she hands some fries over and JJ digs his hand around until he comes out with a handful of fries that he sticks in his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I’m glad your dad likes us now,” JJ smiles through his mouth full of food. Kie frowns at him, nose wrinkled in disgust as she presses two fingers to the bottom of his chin so he snaps his full mouth shut. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Swallow first,” she teases and JJ rolls his eyes. He goes to grab some other bags from her hands, helping her into the kitchen as he teases her about one thing or another. It’s nice to see that the two are so close, but he can’t help the little pang in his chest because that’s the relationship he used to have with JJ, before everything happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sarah and John B emerge from the bedroom then, carrying a table they set up a little too close to the front door for beer pong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The night is easy. They play beer pong and Pope feels his muscles relax with each drink. He can feel the twitch in his fingers stop as he finishes off his third beer of the night, Court standing a little close to his side as she nurses her original glass of wine. Pope can tell she’s a little out of place so he leads her to the couch and they chat just the two of them for a while, Court’s hand on Pope’s knee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope notices the way JJ’s blue eyes follow him most of the night, avoiding any conversation that somehow involves Pope and Court. Pope can’t help the pang in his chest, because it hurts that JJ is shutting him out after the last few days together. It had felt like normal, but Pope knew that they could never go back to normal because their normal had always involved a little more feelings than just friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he ignores it, pulls his attention away from the blond no matter how much his eyes seem to wander to him. He focuses on Court, chats with her about their classes and starts to feel the alcohol just before midnight. He isn’t even paying attention to the time when Kie starts counting down from 30.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“3, 2, 1!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The group cheers and John B dips Sarah as he kisses her. Kie presses her lips to JJ’s cheek, giving him a small smile as she pulls away. Pope turns his attention back to his own girlfriend and dips his head to press a kiss to her lips. He goes to pull away when her arms wrap around his neck, tug him closer and Pope instantly feels guilty, hates that his heart rate spikes, but not because of the woman kissing him. It’s because JJ is staring at them with sadness in his eyes and Pope doesn’t like it, never wants to see that look in his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(Pope wants to kiss JJ, wants to walk over and press a hand to each cheek and pull him in so he can press their lips together. He wants to wrap his arms around his neck and run his fingers through his hair and feel his firm body against his. He buries that though, shoves it into the deepest darkest parts of his mind.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope pulls Court closer, wraps his arms tight around her waist and kisses away his stupid, stupid thoughts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—————————-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope wakes you with a pounding headache on the pull out couch. Court is sleeping next to him, hair haloed over the pillow with Pope’s arm slung across her waist. She has this cute little scrunch across her forehead and Pope reaches forward to soothe the skin out, watching her dark eyes flutter open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Morning,” she smiles, presses a kiss to his lips before she sits up and stretches her arms over her head. Pope follows her, back aching from the old couch. “The party was definitely wild, especially compared to our usual.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t pogue wild, not like old days, but it was the five - no, six of them and the beer had flowed easily, particularly after midnight struck. Pope can honestly say he doesn’t remember every detail about the night before. He isn’t sure if he wants to, not with JJ’s eye on him all night while he worked hard to ignore that stare.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was a good night,” he comments, yawn leaving his lips. It’s nearing 11 and he wonders if the pogues are awake only to have his question answered when John B and Sarah come stumbling out of the room. John B hurries to the bathroom and Pope frowns when he hears the other throwing up just on the other side of the door. Sarah goes straight to the kitchen for a glass of water and some Advil. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do either of you need some?” She mutters, squinting as she looks at the two.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, please,” Court smiles, trying to keep her voice down as Sarah grabs two more glasses and brings them over for Pope and Court. They each take the medication as Kie is stepping out of the spare room. Sarah doesn’t even ask when she hands her the medication and a glass of water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit, I don’t remember much after midnight,” Kie frowns, flopping down on the bed. She presses her palm to her forehead, face scrunched in pain. Pope watches as she moves quickly to press her fingers to her stomach, hand covering her mouth. She must have had more than him because Pope can only feel the dull headache, but doesn’t feel sick. “Shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John B emerges from the bathroom then and Kie hurries in after him, nearly tumbling to the toilet. Sarah follows in after her to hold her hair, giving John B a drink of water on the way. “How’d you sleep?” John B mutters, rubbing at his tired eyes as he takes Kie’s set, sprawling across the end of the bed. He pats Pope’s calf and Pope moves his leg to give the other more room. John B glances at Court curiously, smile tight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court rubs her fingers across her forehead, giving John B a soft smile. “I slept fine.” It’s probably a lie because this is the same couch Pope fell asleep on countless times in high school and springs dug into his back then. It was only worse now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(He ignores the fact that he used to wake up on this couch with JJ all the time. The other used to offer the spare room to Kie when it was all of them which always left JJ and Pope the shitty couch. Pope always woke up first too, JJ’s arm curled around him, sleeping peacefully. Pope would always take a moment, because JJ’s face was never relaxed and it was a sight to see when it was. Pope even traced his fingers across the others cheek before he would reluctantly pull away from the other.) </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John B nods, eyes closed as he shifts onto his side. It’s then Pope notices that JJ hasn’t gotten up yet. JJ was notorious for being the last one up, but would often come out when the group caused a ruckus. “Where’s JJ?” He finds himself asking, glancing toward the hallways. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He went into the shop early or something. Said it helped him think,” John B mumbled, shuffling up the bed as he puts himself right in between Court and Pope. He glances at the other, opening one of his eyes. “Want to go on the boat today?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court exchanges a glance with Pope, who shrugs in answer. He doesn’t have any plans except a New Years dinner with his parents so they had plenty of time. “Sure,” she smiles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great! We’ll head out when the girl’s are ready and pick JJ up,” John B smiles, shuffling down the bed and nearly tumbling off the end. He barely catches himself before he heads over to his room as the girls emerge from the bathroom, somehow looking fresh faces and as beautiful as ever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can go first,” Pope tells Court, nodding in the direction of the bathroom. She shoots him a small smile before swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. Sarah catches her along the way and offers her some clean clothes and a spare toothbrush which Court reluctantly takes when Sarah won’t take no for an answer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope is out of bed when the door closes, puttering around in the kitchen until he finds some granola bars touched away. He munches on one as he waits for Court, accepting the toothbrush Sarah shoves into his hands before brushing his teeth at the kitchen sink. He ends up borrowing some of John B’s clothes before they head out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The air has a chill running down his spin and Pope tugs the blanket tighter around his shoulders, frown on his lips when the old boat repair comes into view. It’s a little run down, but looks about the same as when they were teenagers. It looks like they may have expanded the building a bit in that time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boat bumps against the dock and Pope instinctively gets up so he can secure them. “Go grab JJ while you're up,” John B instructs and Pope turns to him with a questioning look. “Dude, you’re already up.” Why does Pope know he isn’t going to win this argument? He simply rolls his eyes and hops out of the small boat, walking toward the small door in the back of the building. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door doesn’t budge when Pope pulls so he knocks instead, waiting patiently for anyone who may be able to help. He assumes no one is in besides JJ since it’s a holiday, but he can’t be sure. He’s proven correct though when JJ pulls the door open, surprise flashing across his face when he sees Pope on the other side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just need to put some stuff away,” JJ tells him, allowing Pope to come in before he heads to the other side of the large garage. Pope isn’t sure if he’s supposed to follow, but he does anyway, taking in the boats as he walks past. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s the boat at the end that catches his attention though. It’s made of mostly wood, smaller than the rest of the boats inside the garage. There is a tool box resting next to it that JJ closes, reaching out to run his fingers along the smooth wood. Pope can see some wires sticking out where the steering wheel should be and wonders who this boat belongs too. It looks more like a project than a fixer upper. “Are you working on this boat?” Pope asks, shifting his gaze to look at JJ. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The other still has his hand running over the boat, blue eyes meeting Pope’s. “Yeah, I’m making it actually. John B gave me a bit of money early so I could rent this space. I work on this when I need to think.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope wants to know what JJ was thinking about today. He wants to ask, but the words get stuck in his throat. Are they close enough for him to ask? Have they gotten past that awkwardness for Pope to prey into his life and just ask what is in his mind? He doesn’t have to ask though, watches JJ closely as he shuffles nervously before he starts speaking again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think she’s good for you.” The surprise and confusion  must show on Pope’s face because JJ continues. “Court. I can see why you're with her. She’s beautiful, and not just on the outside or whatever but she’s so nice. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t want to like her, but you can’t not like her. She’s everything you deserve.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope watches the other closely, heart pounding as he processes those words. JJ doesn’t leave room to argue, but Pope doesn’t know what he would argue. That his girlfriend isn’t great? No. That she isn’t beautiful and kind? No. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(Pope knows deep down that he wants to argue that JJ is everything that he wants, everything that he deserves. He can’t though. He can’t because he loves Court, currently sitting outside with the rest of their friends. He plans on spending his life with her. But he closes his eyes sometimes and sees blue eyes staring across at him at the kitchen table, sees the smile that can light up a whole room, or the laugh that sounds like music to his ears. Pope shoves those deep down and hopes getting away will help snuff those thoughts out.) </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let's head out.” Pope doesn’t know how long the silence sits until JJ’s hand is patting his shoulder. It’s in the moment, as those fingers slip away, that Pope knows those hands that he wants so badly won’t touch him again. “The others are waiting.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope watches the other walk away, shoulders tight and hands balled into fists. The door creaks open and blue eyes, sad but determined, look back at him. Pope’s heart aches. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why did he want JJ to fight for him? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope feels the shift. JJ doesn’t sit close to him anymore, doesn’t press their knees together, barely even talks to him. It hurts as he watches the other animatedly talk to Kie across the room, hands flying and smile wide, only for that smile to slide from his lips when he catches a glimpse of Pope. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope feels the shift in his own mood too. The bright sunny smile on JJ’s face always made his chest warm, even when he hadn’t been ready to forgive the other, but now that smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, it doesn't shine like it used to. Pope finds the jokes within the group have lessened, the laughter has faded, his own smile doesn’t seem as easy as normal, even with Court by his side. JJ doesn’t touch him either. Pope misses the warmth from his hand or his knee, the comfort that it settled in his stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whole situation has Pope on edge, knee shaking and fingers twitching each time they hang out with his friends. Court notices the shift in his mood, makes a small comment about it but Pope brushes it off. He doesn’t miss the look on her face though, the pain that flashes in her pretty eyes, the frown on her lips. She sits a little further away that day, but she is fine the next day so Pope doesn’t push it. He doesn’t want to talk about it anyway, doesn’t know how to verbalize it. Even if he could, he doesn’t think Court is the person to talk to about this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s five days of awkward tension and Pope’s chest aching when he finally makes a decision. They’re sitting in his house, watching a documentary Court’s friend recommended when Pope turns to her. “I think we should just head out early. Maybe we can stop along the way for a night or two.” Pope can’t be here any longer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope watches the confusion flash across Court’s face, sees the pain, but can’t quite place the other emotion that flashes. He doesn’t know if he wants to. “Are you sure your parents won’t mind?” She asks. Pope nods, and she frowns. “Okay. I don’t think I want to stop though. Maybe just drive straight through.” Pope doesn’t have a good feeling when she says this, frowns himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can tell the group tonight.” Court nods in agreement, shifting to hug a pillow to her chest and lean against the arm of the couch rather than Pope like she had been only moments ago. Pope doesn’t push it, simply shifts his attention back toward the tv as he counts down the minutes till they can get back to normal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope’s been trying to tell the group he’s leaving since he arrived. The words keep getting stuck in his throat though and apparently he hasn’t had enough alcohol for his lips to loosen to tell his friends. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’re playing poker now. Pope has never played poker but John B had suggested it because they had money now. They could actually play it seriously. The group had turned their attention to JJ for only a moment, waiting for a comment about strip poker being serious, but the other just shrugged his shoulders and took a seat at the kitchen table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s how Pope somehow finds himself sitting between Court and JJ. He doesn’t even know how it happened, but the alcohol already in his system has him drawn to the blond so much so that he takes the seat next to him and obviously Court sits next to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first round is complete and utter shit. The only one who really knows how to play is JJ and the rest are just struggling to follow the rules as he explains them. Actually, Court seems to be the only other person in the room who understands the game. She’s still not great, but better than the other four. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second round is just as bad and JJ leans over his shoulder at one point to point out a few things and Pope can’t help the way his chest tightens with the other so close to him, cheeks heating as he nods in understanding. The comment had gone completely over his head though because this is the first time JJ has gotten anywhere near him in days and Pope had missed it so much. He wants to drag the other closer, but he can feel Court’s eyes on him and knows he has to focus. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The third round is better. Kie is catching on the quickest and she’s the only one left in the game other than JJ when Pope finally comes out with the news. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he blurts out. Apparently the alcohol has finally loosened him up enough. The whole table looks at him in shock and he swallows the lump in his throat. “Court and I are going to make it a little trip.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Court gives him a confused look, but doesn’t push. She knows it’s a complete lie. They aren’t taking a few days even if Pope did suggest it. Pope wasn’t about to explain to the group why he wanted to leave early though. This was an easy out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Already? Didn’t you say that you had another few days?” Kie asks. Pope can see the hurt flash across her face, sadness echoed into her features. He frowns. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did, but since we want to make a few stops we need to head back up tomorrow. I also have more preparation for my class than expected,” only half of that is a lie at least. He did have more work than he expected for his class and an extra day or two would help immensely </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sucks,” John B comments, putting his cards face down on the table. Pope glances at his own, now resting on the table revealing what he has to the group. “You’ll come back to visit, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope nods immediately. “Yeah, of course.” It’s the first thing in this conversation that doesn’t feel like a lie or an excuse. He wants to see his friends again, but just needs a break right now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(But everything between him and JJ was not alright. The other has barely spoken to him in days. He barely even spares Pope a glance with his vivid blue eyes. The jokes lack in the conversation and it’s pretty clear to everyone that JJ is avoiding him. Pope has been working hard to ignore it though, focuses his attention on Court. It still makes his heart hurt though, ache with longing he tries not to analyze.) </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The group falls quiet after that, the game of poker less rowdy than Pope ever imagined poker would be. Pope is tense the whole time, shooting glances at the man next to him, wondering what his reaction is to this whole situation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The other doesn’t say anything, simply pulls a joint from his pocket and sucks in a deep breath. Pope frowns before he plucks it from his fingers and breaths in, lets his shoulders relax. JJ gives him a surprised look, but doesn’t say anything as he takes it back. Court is looking at him with concern. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope drives up to the Chateau with a heavy heart. The little shack is still decorated for Christmas on the outside and Pope can’t help but remember the fond memories of the night of Christmas Eve with his friends. He was going to miss them, but they had money now. He knows they’ll be able to visit each other more often, but there is one particular blond that Pope isn’t so sure about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The group is standing outside when he drives up, all looking somber as Pope puts the car in park. Court is the first one out, walks down his little line of friends and gives each a hug goodbye until she gets to JJ, last in line. They shake hands awkwardly before she heads back toward the car, giving him a small smile on the way. “Take your time,” she says, a sad smile on her lips. Pope thinks she’s been acting weird but doesn’t know how to bring it up, can only seem to think about his own feelings as he leaves his home for the second time, with no immediate plans to visit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope starts with John B and Sarah. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pair are standing close to each other, sad smiles matching and Pope steps in front of them. John B is the first to pull him in, hold him tight. Pope pats him on the back a few times. “I really missed you, man. There’s always room for you to visit,” John B tells him. He pulls away with a sad smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to look for a place next semester,” Pope tells him, thinks about the fact he actually has the money to live off campus even in such an expensive town. “Once I’m settled, feel free to visit whenever.” He’ll even be able to get a place with a spare room or two for his friends to visit. It’s a pretty good feeling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good. I’d love for you to show us around Boston,” John B smiles and Pope nods, turning his attention to Sarah. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiles at him, warm and bright as she pulls him in. “This seems silly because of everything that’s happened, but it’s really great to get to know you,” she says, voice so sincere that Pope can’t help but smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s weird, but me too.” Because they never got to know Sarah before they disappeared and this was then getting to know her, even though it’s three and a half years later and so much has happened between them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She giggles in reply as she pulls away, giving him one last sad smile before he can turn his attention toward Kie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kie pulls him in before he can even step in front of her. Pope stumbles back in surprise, patting her hair away from his face as it sticks to his lips awkwardly. He’s laughing though as she clings to him and he’s going to miss her so much. Kie was easily his best friend and FaceTime and phone calls were nothing compared to being with this amazing woman in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, you better not wait a year and a half to see me again,” she laughs, the sound wet with tears as she pulls away. She moves to whips at the tears leaking from her eyes and simply looks at him for a moment, places a hand on either cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I promise I won’t,” Pope reassures her, pulls her back in for another hug. He presses a kiss to her cheek, feels her lips his cheek before he holds her close. “I’ll call you when I’m back.” She hums in answer as she pulls back, smile on her lips, sad but so warm. Pope returns it before he turns to the one person he’s been dreading saying goodbye to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope stands in front of JJ last, watching the other shift awkwardly in front of him. Pope can see that sudden desire to run flash in his eyes, but he steps forward before he can, wraps his arms around JJ’s neck and pulls him in, sinks into the feeling of JJ holding him again, the weight of his arms wrapping around his waist. He can feel JJ’s fingers wrap into the material of his shirt, face shifting to press into his neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to miss you,” he mutters. Pope can feel the phantom brush of lips on his neck, right by his pulse point and Pope’s breath catches at the touch. He lets his cheek press against blond hair, lets himself take in a deep breath as he holds the other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so proud of you,” Pope whispers, lets himself have one last moment in JJ’s arms before he pulls away. He can see the tears shining in JJ’s eyes, chest aching for this man in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope turns away then, doesn’t look back as he makes his way to the car. He lets himself have one last glance in the rare view mirror, one last glimpse at the boy he could have had a life with before he starts the car to get back to reality. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments make my heart happy.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. take two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pope forgets something back home.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Pope lets out a breath as he pulls into the parking lot. The dorm in front of him is a welcome sight, one that allows his heart to settle for a moment as he thinks about getting back to normal. He’ll have classes to distract himself for a while, take his mind off JJ like freshman year all over again. This time he has the added benefit of Court though. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pope, I think we need to talk,” she says, words soft and sad in a way that Pope doesn’t like. It makes Pope think that he isn’t going to have her to keep his mind off JJ. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he turns his attention to her, he can see the worry etched on her face, but also the sadness and heartache sitting there for him to read. She looks reserved, determined in a way that he doesn’t like because he knows it never leads to something good when girls say they need to talk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She catches his eyes as he searches her face, trying to see if there is any hint that he might be wrong. He could just be projecting his own feelings about this relationship into her words. He sees nothing though. There is no indication that Court isn’t going to break up with him right here. He can see the resolve in her eyes, see her jaw tighten in determination as she looks at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She reaches forward to take his hand and it’s familiar. It’s nice. Pope can’t help but think it isn’t what he wants, but it’s what he has. He squeezes her fingers as he watches her. The way her eyes shift a bit, teeth nibbling on her bottom lip in her usual nervous fashion. She takes in a breath, letting the silence between them sit for a few long seconds before she finally speaks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We need to break up.” There is no room for argument in her words, but Pope is going to try anyway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why? I love you.” She breaks and Pope’s chest aches as she lets a few tears slip from her eyes. Pope doesn’t know what he said. He doesn’t know what he did. He thought the last few weeks had been fun. This isn’t what he expected, but at the same time, in this little part of his brain that he’s been trying to quiet, he thinks it makes sense. He thinks she knows and she proves it with her next words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you’re not </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> love with me.” It’s like a gab to the heart as he watches her because he knows she’s right. He loves Court, always will, but has never been in love with her. And he hates himself for hurting her like this. He hates that he tried so hard and he just couldn’t get himself to fall in love with her. He goes to open his mouth, argue even though he knows what he says won’t be true. “No, don’t.” She reaches up to brush a tear from her cheek, a small smile on her lips, sad but trying. “It’s okay. It’s okay that you're not in love with me. I see it now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope can’t help the tears. He tries to blink them away, tries to hold them in, but they slide down his cheeks without his permission as he looks at her. “I want to be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pope, it’s okay that you're in love with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The silence is deafening. Pope doesn’t know what to say, because he’s been denying it for years, convincing himself otherwise and he feels it all unravel, come apart at those few simple words. The only sound between them as Court looks at him, sad but supporting, is the sound of his heart pounding. He can feel it in his throat, catching his words before they come out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pope, you can have everything you want with him,” she says, understanding and encouraging. Pope has spent years trying to convince himself that JJ wasn’t everything he wanted because he hurt him so badly. He spent the last year trying to convince himself that Court was everything he wanted. “Pope, it’s okay that you’re in love with him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope can’t help the tears that stream down his cheeks as he lunges forward, pulling her into his arms. This girl has always been here for him and he may not be able to love her the way she deserves, but he was so thankful to have her in his life. Because he’s never had anyone tell him that it’s okay. Those simple words make more of a difference then he ever could have imagined. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” he whispers, because he does. She giggles, wet and teary as she pulls away. She has a hand on each of his shoulders as they look at each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too. Now you have to go get your man.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Pope is laughing too, throat tight and tears still running down his cheeks but Court is there, wiping his tears and smiling at him. It’s reassuring and warm and he knows he hasn’t lost her. He knows they’ll still be friends after all of this even if it may take time to heal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the first time he lets himself imagine, let’s himself want. He thinks of holding JJ, pulling the other close as they fall asleep in front of the tv after a long day of work. He lets himself imagine JJ greeting him when he comes home, smile on his face and warmth in their house. He thinks about pressing his lips to JJ’s, free for the first time in his life to indulge in his feelings. He thinks of saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you </span>
  </em>
  <span>to JJ as they fall asleep, the other repeating the words back to him as they make love in the darkness. He thinks of a home with JJ, everything he’s ever wanted, because JJ has always been home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit. Lets book a flight.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s lucky they stumbled upon 400mil. He figures this is a good reason to use it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope looks at flights and promptly freaks the fuck out, slamming the laptop closed before he can even put the location into the search bar. This was nuts. He had only broken up with Court a day ago and they hadn’t spoken since. He couldn’t just run off to go be with JJ. What would his parents think? Shit. He was so stupid. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can feel his breath picking up when his phone rings, eyes wide as he searches for the device, nearly tearing apart his room to find that his phone had been sitting next to his laptop the whole time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The phone nearly falls from his fingers as he scrambles to pick it up, Kie’s smile shining on the phone at him. It’s a new picture, one that he took while he was home for break. The sun had been shining just right, the sunset lighting up her eyes in a way that was picture worthy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He has to take in a few deep breaths before he finally swipes, holding it up to his ear. “Hey, Kie,” he greets. He can hear his voice shaking a bit, but shoves the feelings down, clears his throat. “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just, I already miss you. John B and JJ are just back to their old ways and without you to level them out it’s crazy here. I mean, they have a little more sense, but shit. They just reverted back to teenagers,” Kie complains, a whine leaving her lips as she finishes. Pope chuckles at her words, a little strained. He remembers those days, misses them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Court broke up with me,” he says suddenly, without thinking. It feels good to get it off his chest, to tell someone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The silence sits between them. Kie seems to be processing those words and Pope waits. He doesn’t really know what to say after that. “What happened?” Kie finally asks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope doesn’t know if he wants to tell her, but he knows he will eventually. She already knows about their history anyway and he needed to talk to someone. “She broke up with me because I’m in love with JJ.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit,” Kie breaths, and Pope can imagine her eyes are wide with shock. He waits for her to process again. Waits for the next question. “Are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope sucks in a breath at the words, running his hands over his hair anxiously. He can feel his fingers shaking, knows the words are true. But he’s so scared. He’s scared of what people will think. He’s scared of what his parents will think. He’s scared that JJ won’t feel the same, that he’ll run away again like last time. He can’t go through that kind of heartbreak again. It had taken him years to put his heart back together because not only had he lost the boy he loved but JJ was his best friend and it happened right after they had just lost John B. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(Pope thinks about waking up that next morning and finding JJ gone. The other side of the bed cold when he pressed his fingers against the sheets, frown pulling down his lips. He remembers climbing out of his bed, hoping to find JJ in the kitchen like he had so many mornings before. He searched the whole house looking for JJ only to find his backpack missing and the shoes by the door gone. He had gone back up stairs feeling dejected when he noticed the note on his desk. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Pope remembers crying until he couldn’t breath, panic stricken and heart aching.) </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m scared,” Pope admits, because there are so many things to be scared about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay to be scared. He’s changed though. He isn’t that same lost teenager.” Kie’s voice is soft as she speaks like she doesn’t want to spook him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’m just-” Pope pauses, taking a seat on his bed, leg shaking. He sucks in a deep breath. “I love him so much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders as the words leave his lips for the first time. He feels lighter, like the truth has finally set him free. Shit. It feels good. “Pope, you have to know he feels the same way.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But what if he doesn’t?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But what if he does?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope talks to his therapist and books a flight after his session. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It eases a lot of his worries as he works through some of their past, works through some of his own feelings. He had spent so long denying how he felt for JJ that he still finds it hard to believe that he actually said those words out loud, let himself feel them in his heart, actually think about a life with JJ. It was good to talk about it though because his therapist didn’t push, simply inquired and that’s something that he needed. He needed to work through everything for himself, just wasn’t sure how. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The problem is that he books the flight in the middle of the week, high on his realization and feeling good, but then Friday rolls around and he’s pacing his room, fingers twitching and heart pounding as he tries to talk himself out of this. He tries to convince himself that this was crazy, that JJ doesn’t love him, not after all this time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ends up on the floor, head in his hands. He rocks back and forth as he tries to catch his breath, going through his conversation with his therapist. It’s like she knew this would happen because he runs through some of the things they talked about and can feel his heart rate calm down. He allows himself to think about a future with JJ and doesn’t understand how that could be so calming. But then he thinks about it for a moment and knows why. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ was always the one to calm him down, pull him aside. Pope can feel those fingers on his shoulder, see those blue eyes shining at him as JJ tells him a story or breaths with him. It eases the ache in his chest as he reminds himself that JJ is his best friend. Even if he didn’t love him, he was still his friend and JJ always knew how to make Pope feel better. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He picks up his bag twenty minutes later and Ubers to the airport. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s his first time on a plane and he can feel the nerves coursing through his veins. It isn’t scary though, it has excitement settling in his stomach as he watches the sky flash in front of his eyes, the sun shining so bright he pulls on a pair of sunglasses so he can keep his eyes facing the window, allowing himself deep breaths as he fiddled with the headphones in his ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The landing is weird and bumpy, the sky a mix of oranges, purples and pinks as it comes skidding to a halt. The seats in the front are off first and Pope follows the signs until he’s standing outside waiting for an Uber again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The air is chilly as he tugs his jacket over his shoulders. The Uber is nice. The driver doesn’t talk much, but changes the station to anything that Pope suggests. He drives cautiously down the highway and Pope feels his heart pound as they get closer and closer to the ferry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can feel his excitement from the plane fading. The distraction of his first flight has slipped away so his thoughts can drift to doubt again, worry settling in his stomach as he slams the door closed and thanks the Uber driver. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ferry ride is different then his last. It’s dark out now, moon lighting up the ocean and dancing across the waves. He can see the island come into view and rocks on the balls of his feet, tension thick in his shoulders as the ferry comes to a jolting stop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The walk to the Chateau is ridiculously long, but something he finds he needs. He rehearses the words over and over again in his head, accounting for any one of JJ’s reactions so he can be prepared for anything. He tries to think about the positive ones the most, but can’t help the negative thoughts that nudge at his consciousness and make him frown. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Chateau is still decorated in Christmas lights, nearly blinding Pope as he finally turns the corner down the driveway. The Twinkie is gone, which leads Pope to believe John B and Sarah are out. That’s good. That will make this easier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s another ten minutes pacing outside the small shack before he works up the nerve to knock on the door even though he’s always had free access inside. He’s never needed to knock before, but he can’t just barge in today. This was different. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one answers though. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope lets out a sigh as he tosses his backpack on one of the old couches, taking a seat on the top step. He lets his head fall into his hands and tries not to talk himself out of heading straight back to Boston. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s 7 when Pope has talked himself into leaving. This was a mistake. Why wouldn’t JJ be home at 7? There was no way the other was still at work. He was obviously out and Pope didn’t even want to imagine that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s going to grab his bag when headlights light up the front of the house. He squints into the light, noting its John B and Sarah pulling into the driveway. He instantly wants to run, hide behind the building until he can sneak off. He isn’t sure where though. He can’t go home, not like this. How would he explain that? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, yeah, Court broke up with me because even she could tell I was in love with JJ and now I’m here to confess my love for him but he isn’t home.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Definitely wasn’t going to say that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell? What are you doing here, Pope?” He isn’t quick enough, not with the headlights making him hard to miss on the front steps. He contemplates running away even though he’s been spotted but he swallows the lump in his throat as John B steps out of the Twinkie, Sarah following. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just- I forgot something,” Pope tries, but it sounds weak even to his ears. Why would he fly all the way back? Why wouldn’t he just ask John B to send it along? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doubt shows on John B’s face easily, Christmas lights dancing off his features. “What did you forget?” He plays along, shoves the car key into his pocket. Sarah slides up next to him. She looks pleased, like she knows what is happening right now and Pope realizes that even Sarah saw the connection between him and JJ. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope crosses his arms over his chest to stop his hands from shaking, shifting his weight back and forth. John B would find out eventually anyway, even if JJ did reject Pope. Pope tries not to think about that though, clears his throat before he speaks. “I forgot to tell JJ that I love him,” he says with renewed confidence, because the more he says it, the easier it becomes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John B’s eyes widen in shock for only a moment, quickly replaced by a smile, warm and happy. Pope has never seen the other so happy. “I think we can find something to do tonight. He should be home soon. He’s been working in the shop a lot more since you left but he’s usually back around 7:30.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t even wait for a reply as he turns back toward the car, tugging the door open. Sarah follows, turning back as the headlights click on. “I’m happy for you, Pope. Good luck,” she says, eyes shining as she joins John B in the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The car pulls out of the driveway and Pope realizes that his friends think this is going to work out, they support this possible relationship. He’s sure John B or Sarah would have tried to talk him out of it if they hadn’t thought it would work. Kie too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The headlights turn out of the driveway and Pope feels confidence settle in his stomach as he waits patiently for JJ to come home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The headlight is dim as JJ pulls into the driveway, motorcycle coming to a stop slowly before JJ kicks the stand out, letting it rest on the ground as he swings his leg over. The helmet on his head is easy to tug off, JJ touching it away before he turns toward the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope watches as the other freezes, blue eyes wide with shock when he meets Pope’s brown ones. “Pope?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything Pope went over in his head, every rehearsal of this moment, is thrown out the window as Pope walks across the small yard and pull the other into a passionate kiss, hoping he can portray everything as his lips move against JJ’s. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope’s heart swells as JJ’s arms slip around his waist, pull their bodies flush against each other. Pope feels his stomach settle, his nervous leaving his system as JJ’s lips move against his eagerly, wanting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope can’t help but think, as he’s kissing JJ, what he’s been missing out on. He’s never experienced a kiss like this before. Actually, the only other time had been JJ, all those years ago before he left. The butterflies in his stomach, his heart pounding with anticipation and excitement, was a new experience and Pope can’t help but tilt his head, let his tongue slide along JJ’s bottom lip as the other opens his mouth, invites Pope in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope feels a chill run down his spine as his fingers slide from JJ’s check to brush through those blond locks. The strands are greasy from his day at work, but still silky as he lets his fingers twirl a piece of hair, twisting and tugging as JJ runs a hand up his spine, rests it on the back of Pope’s head so he doesn’t pull away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It can’t last forever though. Pope can feel his lungs desperate for air and he reluctantly pulls away, lets his forehead rest against JJ’s with his eyes closed, panting as he just lets himself feel the hands on his body, remember those lips on his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I forgot something,” he finally breaths as he blinks open his dark eyes. JJ is looking at him curiously, wondering, but Pope can see a hint of doubt in his eyes and it makes his heart hurt that JJ thinks that this is a one time thing and Pope really did forget something. Pope hates himself for making JJ doubt himself. “I forgot to tell you that I love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ sucks in a breath at his words, fingers gripping Pope’s hips. “What about Court?” JJ asks, nervous, like Pope didn’t just kiss JJ and confess his love, like this could just be some joke and Pope will pull away and laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about her?” Pope asks, because she doesn’t matter right now. The only thing that matters is this man in his arms, this warm body pressed against his, this feeling that he is finally living again, like he isn’t just watching his life pass by. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Court’s everything you deserve.” The words hurt as Pope hears the insecurity in JJ's voice. The other doesn’t think he’s good enough for Pope even after all this time. He watched JJ walk away once before because he thought he wasn’t good enough, would hold him back, but Pope wasn’t going to let that happen again. He’d make sure the other knew he was good enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re everything I want. I was stupid to think I could get back to my life after everything we went through.” He leans in again, presses one firm kiss against JJ’s lips before he pulls away, hopes the other will get it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope watches the other, searching his features before he looks into those blue, worried eyes. The other looks nervous, unsure and Pope nods his head, lets his lips ghost over JJ’s. “Yeah. I love you. I want this. I’ve wanted it for so long and I was foolish to think I could ever run away from it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ snorts at his words and rolls his eyes. “I know. I tried to run away first,” he mutters and Pope can’t help the little giggle that leaves his lips, watching the way JJ’s eyes light up at the sound. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hopefully, we’ve both come to our senses,” Pope smiles, watching the way JJ’s eyes dance with excitement. This time he is the one to lean forward, press their lips together as he drags his fingers up Pope’s spin. It has goosebumps forming on his skin as JJ pulls away, only a breath between them as he watches Pope. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” JJ breathes and Pope’s smile widens at the words, the first time he’s ever heard them leave JJ’s lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope surged forward, lets his lips collide with JJ’s, nearly makes the other tumble backwards. JJ simply laughs as he catches his balance, arms around Pope’s waist as he pulls him closer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stay like that until they hear something scurry around, both men pulling apart to look around to find the culprit of the noise. It’s then Pope realizes they’re still outside, simply making out in the middle of the driveway. “Lets head in,” he comments, steps away from JJ. He watches a frown tug down JJ’s lips at the loose of contact, but Pope holds his hand out, watching JJ tentatively reach his own forward, slip his fingers between Pope’s as the smile on his lips grows. The other gives his hand a squeeze, leading him into the small house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They fall asleep hours later, wrapped up in each other as they spend the night talking, catching up. Pope’s never felt so content to fall asleep, never slept so well as when his head was resting on JJ’s chest, arms wrapped around his waist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——————————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sun streams through the open window, dancing off the ocean by the dock. Pope yawns, rubbing at his tired eyes as he moves to push himself into an upright position. He stretches his arms over his head, lets the sheets poll as his waist as he takes in the scenery outside, thankful for something to look at that isn’t simply another dorm or school building. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He draws his eyes away from the window to glance at JJ. The other is sleeping soundly next to him, arms wrapped around the pillow tucked under his head. Pope can see the rise and fall of his breath, steady and even, lets himself glance down to his bare chest, frowning when he notices an angry bruise along his rib cage, suddenly brought back to that fateful night that JJ left, broken and aching from the hands of his father. Pope reaches forward to let his fingers brush over the soft skin, watching as JJ flinches in his sleep. Pope hadn’t noticed the bruise the night before, tangled up with the other as they talked for hours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope thinks back fondly as he remembers their conversation. They talked about school, work, therapy, friends and so much more. They touched on so many things, but there is still so much more to learn about JJ. The other has grown so much and Pope wants to know everything. He wants JJ to tell him everything about those lost three and a half years, the good and the bad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope’s eyes shift from the bruise to JJ’s fluttering eyes, pulling his hand away when JJ starts to stir next to him, shifting to stretch across the bed. The bruise is on full display now and Pope finds himself reaching forward to bruise his fingers over the purple skin again. JJ frowns at the contact, reaches down to wrap his fingers around Pope’s hand, tugging them up to press a kiss to each. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The toolbox fell on me at work,” he answers, noticing the question on Pope’s face. Pope nods, leans forward to press his lips across those bruised ribs, hears JJ suck in a breath. It doesn’t sound pained though, knows it wasn’t when he glances up to meet JJ’s blue eyes. The other simply looks happy, expression warm and soft, as he watches Pope. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope leans down to let his lips press against JJ’s, feels the other smile as his free hand brushes against Pope’s cheek, fingers dancing across his warm skin. The kiss is slow and easy, because there is no rush. They had decided that last night, after Pope had admitted he wasn’t ready to have sex as things got a little heated at one point or another, and JJ had easily agreed. They had time to explore this relationship, to explore each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope pulls away from him with a sigh, lets his forehead rest against JJ’s with his eyes closed. “You stayed,” he finally says, lets his eyes flutter open as he meets JJ’s blue ones. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t making that mistake again,” JJ says softly, reaching forward to cup Pope’s jaw. He brushes his thumb across his cheek bone, leaning in to place a soft kiss on his lips. Pope’s heart swells with happiness and love as he lets his own fingers brush across JJ’s cheek, connecting their lips again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pope realizes in that moment that this is what love is supposed to feel like. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Fin.</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is not actually the end. There will be two more stories in this universe, including an epilogue and a 'lost years' fic that will focus on JJ during the missing three and half years between the prologue and the first chapter. </p><p>Please let me know what you think! Comments make my heart happy! I'd love to know how you liked the ending!</p><p>Thank you everyone who read and commented during this process. This story was my baby and the support I got writing it was overwhelmingly amazing. Thank you all so much.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well, this is my long awaited chapter fic. I've been working on this for a few months at this point so I really hope everyone enjoys. It will be a lot of angst moving forward.</p><p>Find me on <a href="https://playitaagain.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> to chat about Mayward!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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